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The Homophobic Shopping Guide For God-Fearing Bigots
Anthony Morris III, a top Jehovah’s Witness leader, has urged his followers to avoid tight pants at all costs. In his words:
“They are tight all the way down to the ankles. It’s not appropriate. It’s not sound of mind. The homosexuals that are designing these clothes – they’d like you in tight pants.”
We hate to break it to you, Tony, but if you want to avoid things associated with homosexuals, you’re going to have to cast your net a lot wider than pants.
This is by no means a comprehensive list, but here are some things to start avoiding at all costs.
iPhones
Any Apple product, really. In case you’ve been living under a rock (and considering your religious fervor, we aren’t ruling out that possibility), Apple’s CEO Tim Cook is now openly gay. That means you need to turn in your iPhone, get rid of that iMac, and forget about jamming out to your hymns on an iPod. In fact, you should really just avoid the lower-case letter “i” whenever possible. Chances are a gay has had some say in it, and you wouldn’t want your kids to get the wrong idea.
UCLA School of Medicine
If you’re in the market for med schools, you should probably steer clear of this one. Sure, it’s a renowned institution that ranks among the top choices for future doctors, but there’s the whole name issue. It’s really the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. And that is problematic for obvious reasons. Geffen donated $200 million to the school in 2001, and God knows what kind of gay shenanigans are going on with that kind of money. Geffen also co-founded Dreamworks Pictures, so don’t ever see How to Train Your Dragon, Shrek or Kung Fu Panda.
You’re going to need to deactivate your Facebook account if you want to abide by the Lord, sorry. Chris Hughes helped Mark Zuckerberg found the site in those early Harvard days, and we can only imagine the mark he left in the company. Don’t be fooled. Luckily there are lots of alternatives to choose from — MyFaith, ChristianFaithBook, MyFlock, JesusCrowd. Take your pick.
Surgery
This one’s going to hurt. We’ve already shattered your dreams of attending a top medical school, but unfortunately you’re going to have to get very creative when it comes to seeking medical attention as well. The Stryker Corporation is one of the leading suppliers of medical tools. You’d be hard pressed to find a hospital without something bought from them. Homer Stryker founded the company in 1964, but his gay grandson Jon is currently a billionaire stockholder in the company. You’ll be playing right into the gay agenda if the hospital is your first stop after a broken bone.
The Olympics and The Voice
Speedos aside, these two may seem like good clean fun, but they’re both broadcast on NBC. You know, the same NBC that thought it was a good idea to make Robert Greenblatt its chairman. Be warned. Greenblatt is gay, out, and wants you to view NBC‘s subversive programming. Don’t fall into the trap. Plus the Olympics and The Voice actually let gays compete right next to straights. The horror.
Dan Tracer
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