Accepting My Partner's Gender Transition
Back before the Web, I posted a personal ad in the San Francisco Bay Times, my local LGBT newspaper. It read, in part, “I Like Fun. Seeking brainy brawny girls to frolic with.” I went in with low expectations, so imagine my surprise that, 19 years later, I am happily partnered with the person who answered my ad — someone else who likes “fun.”

From our first phone call on the morning of Jan. 1, 1995, there was an intellectual and emotional crackling between us that has always made our pairing both challenging and exciting. Back then, Willy presented as a butch lesbian but identified as a transgender man, and I articulated an interest in dating a woman-bodied man. What I mean by that was that I wanted someone who would open doors for me, thrill me with chivalry, buy me pretty things, and let me be the girl, but as a self-identified lesbian with a preference for butch women, I was not seeking to partner myself with a man.

Then my butch began transitioning, and I was faced with a choice. I want to tell you why this lesbian chose to stay.

I knew from the start that medical transition was something Willy was considering as a possibility, but somehow it seemed very far away. I appreciated his masculinity within our butch/femme dynamic. Finding my gender opposite and being appreciated for my womanliness felt like a soothing elixir and, at the same time, a thrill ride. Not that there weren’t difficult aspects to our relationship. Willy placed restrictions against touching some parts of his body; there were rules that protected his soul but made mine lonely.

Over the years, he did begin seriously considering transitioning. To be completely honest, the idea of it scared me. I was resistant.

I liked things the way they were. I had the masculine woman I wanted. I had identified as a lesbian since coming out at 16, and I didn’t know how to be the partner of a transgender man. I worried how it would affect my identity. I knew that being perceived by others as a heteronormative couple would afford me some legal, social, and safety privileges that I didn’t yet have — but I deserved those already. I resented that I could only get them if I was with a man.

In 1998 we had a big (though not legally recognized) wedding at the Oakland Rose Garden. In 2004 we were married again (legally, this time) when San Francisco’s then-mayor Gavin Newsom opened the door to same-sex marriages in the city. After that marriage was voided by the courts, we became registered domestic partners before the birth of our first child in 2006. We had two more children, in 2009 and 2012, respectively.

We lived through struggles with illness, finances, and the misery of the Proposition 8 campaign, when our neighbors pointed their “No Gay Marriage Allowed” signs at our house and organized street protests in our neighborhood, yelling their hateful rhetoric at us as we drove our son to preschool. At the same time, Willy and I had the American dream: a home and a family. Our everyday lives, like so many people’s, were a treadmill of drudgery, yet so sweet and lovely.

Then, as I was waiting to find out if I was pregnant with our third child, Willy came to me. “Well, I’ve decided,” he said. “I’m transitioning.”

Even after 17 years together, I wasn’t ready.

I was still so resistant to being seen as heterosexual. Coming from a traditional Greek immigrant family, I had fought long and hard for the right to be myself: a lesbian. And I worried that he would change and become someone else once he transitioned. Yet, at the same time, I did not want to be an unsupportive partner, and I was afraid of being judged by the transgender community for my feelings. His decision ultimately forced my hand, as it has for many partners of transgender people.

And I finally had to ask myself, “If Willy transitioned, would I really break up my family? Would I really leave the person I love?” In response, I kept coming back to the things I loved most about him: his passion, his loyalty, his wicked sense of humor, his intellect, his love for me and our kids. Life without him was unimaginable. So I told him I’d made a decision too.

Whatever Willy’s physical form, I choose him. I choose to stay.

I told him that I couldn’t make any promises that I would easily adjust or even know how I’d react to his changing body, but that I would respect his choice. And I hoped he could respect me and allow space for my feelings as I explored what this meant for me and my own identity.

Two months later he underwent chest reconstruction surgery. I grieved over this change to his body, yet I’ve since found an unanticipated benefit: There are no longer any restrictions against touching his chest. This area that had been banned for so many years was suddenly open territory. Even though the form had changed, the new freedom it allowed me lifted my heart. Moreover, Willy was happy, more at peace than I had ever seen him. More than anything else, this made it easier for me to change as he changed.

Still, there are awkward questions I struggle with: If I make a new friend, when or how or why do I tell them that I am a lesbian and that Willy is transgender? If he went through so much to actualize his reality, what is the purpose of telling? Yet if I don’t tell, I feel like I’ve somehow given an incomplete representation of my own experiences; all my queer struggles are erased. I know that as the partner of a transgender person, I am living my life as an ally — but it is still my life, and I am my central character. So I seek to honor and accept my feelings, whatever they are. I let them exist, and I let them pass.

In the end, Willy is my partner. We swim side by side through these waters. We seek to arrive at the same destination, but the strokes we choose to get there may differ. But that is OK with me, as long as we get there together.

An earlier version of this post appeared on Advocate.com.

www.huffingtonpost.com/georgia-kolias/accepting-my-partners-gender-transition_b_6173430.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices

Kansas Gov.: State Won't Recognize Same-Sex Marriages

As same-sex couples wed in about a quarter of the state’s counties, Gov. Sam Brownback is determined to block marriage equality.

read more

Trudy Ring

www.advocate.com/politics/marriage-equality/2014/11/20/kansas-gov-state-wont-recognize-same-sex-marriages

Zac Efron Can’t Stop Masturbating With James Franco, Charlie Day Worships Zac Efron And Evan Peters Does Kurt Cobain

Oscar-winner Mike Nichols, who is inarguably one of the great stage and film directors of all time, has passed away at age 83. With classic movies such as Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, The Graduate, Silkwood, Working Girl, The Birdcage and Angels in America on his resume, it’s impossible to choose a favorite. Still, can anything compare to this brilliantly-rendered scene between Meryl Streep and Shirley MacLaine in Postcards From the Edge?

Super human/sex robot Zac Efron is simply better at everything than the rest of us. Not only can he masturbate 17 times a day, he tells James Franco that he can do it without using his hands and offers an impromptu demo.

Skylark Tonight with James Franco and Zac Efron… by ZacEfronWorld
If you want to know where Efron lives, follow Charlie Day around sometime. The comic actor who stars in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the upcoming Horrible Bosses 2, told Conan that he lives next door to Efron and sometimes gets his fan mail, which he keeps and adds to his Zac shrine. We completely understand.

Evan Peters, who was a dead ringer for Kurt Cobain in the first season of American Horror Story, delivered a, well, freakishly uncanny rendition of Nirvana’s “Come As You Are” in last night’s episode of Freak Show. Listen to it below or check it out the video clip here.

John Cameron Mitchell will return to the role that made him famous and eventually won Neil Patrick Harris a Tony when he takes over for Michael C. Hall in the Broadway revival of Hedwig and the Angry Inch on January 21.

Do you want to record a duet with sexy entertainer Chris Salvatore? Find out how to make your dream come true in the video contest below.

Aca-awesome! Here’s the trailer for Pitch Perfect 2.

Jeremy Kinser

feedproxy.google.com/~r/queerty2/~3/OV8YtG21OVk/zac-efron-cant-stop-masturbating-with-james-franco-charlie-day-worships-zac-efron-and-evan-peters-does-kurt-cobain-20141120

WATCH: Country Singer Billy Gilman Comes Out as Gay

‘I felt it was time for me to be honest and to be truthful,’ Gilman says.

read more

Jase Peeples

www.advocate.com/arts-entertainment/music/2014/11/20/watch-country-singer-billy-gilman-comes-out-gay

Taylor Lianne Chandler, Michael Phelps' Supposed Girlfriend, Came Out as Intersex — She Was Not 'Born a Man'
Taylor Lianne Chandler was born intersex. Contrary to recent headlines, she was not “born a male” or “born a dude,” and she is absolutely not “a man’s worst nightmare.”

Of course, Chandler’s story — which she first published in a a Facebook post on Nov. 13 — was only deemed relevant by the media days later, because she supposedly has had a relationship with Olympian Michael Phelps. However, what is most revealing about this slew of headlines has nothing to do with her relationship with Phelps; it has to do with the media itself.

The bottom line is this: If the media covers someone who comes out as intersex, it is its responsibility to educate itself about what that means. In Chandler’s case, although some outlets did cover the term correctly, the majority failed. This is deplorable. Why? Because it just reinforces stereotypes.

Here’s the deal: Gender is not binary. Being “born a man” is a ridiculous concept to begin with. Nobody is born a man; we are born babies. (Society then creates gender roles.) And, further, the idea of non-binary people as “a man’s worst nightmare” reinforces the idea that they are somehow “tricking” people. Ultimately, this coverage shows how badly we need people to be either a man or a woman — even a trans man or a trans woman. We just can’t abide by the idea of a middle ground.

That said, on the most basic level, the term “intersex” has absolutely nothing to do with being born a male. Nothing. Per the Intersex Society of North America:

“Intersex” is a general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male. For example, a person might be born appearing to be female on the outside, but having mostly male-typical anatomy on the inside. Or a person may be born with genitals that seem to be in-between the usual male and female types–for example, a girl may be born with a noticeably large clitoris, or lacking a vaginal opening, or a boy may be born with a notably small penis, or with a scrotum that is divided so that it has formed more like labia. Or a person may be born with mosaic genetics, so that some of her cells have XX chromosomes and some of them have XY.

Chandler too was clear from the beginning about her gender. In her original Facebook post she wrote:

If you don’t understand what intersex is, Google it. I was never a man, never lived as a man. No one can say they knew me as a man or produce a photo of me as a man. There are people that remember me as an androgynous child at times because of what was forced upon me. … I have always been a female regardless of labels and personal opinions. I am not a transsexual and I have never identified with the moniker transgender, but intersex is certainly on the spectrum of gender along with them.

And in a later Facebook post following a host of these headlines, Chandler wrote of their harm to her well-being:

Two steps forward and 100 steps backwards. That is what life feels like to me right now. In a world of educated people that had all the facts of intersex and what it means and then to sell a magazine say Michael Phelps is dating a MAN. I have cried now for an hour, thrown up anything in my system till I dry heaved. I just can’t believe this is happening in 2014!

Media outlets cannot cop to ignorance for misgendering an intersex person. This is more than salacious gossip. It’s disgraceful. And the media needs to do better.

www.huffingtonpost.com/avery-stone/michael-phelps-taylor-lianne-chandler-intersex_b_6193082.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices

President Obama’s Immigration Executive Actions Are an Urgent Call for Lasting Reform

Tonight’s long awaited decision by President Obama to take executive actions that provide administrative relief from deportation will give hope to millions of undocumented immigrants, including many of the estimated 267,000 undocumented LGBT immigrants.
HRC.org

www.hrc.org/blog/entry/president-obamas-immigration-executive-actions-are-an-urgent-call-for-lasti?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss-feed

John Cameron Mitchell on Returning to 'Hedwig': INTERVIEW

Naveen Kumar

www.towleroad.com/2014/11/john-cameron-mitchell-on-returning-to-hedwig-interview.html