Trans Man's Speech Dedicated to Trans Women of Color

Trans women are being killed in the streets. What are we doing about it?

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Blue Montana

editorial.advocate.com/politics/transgender/2014/11/27/trans-mans-speech-dedicated-trans-women-color

Feast your eyes: top 7 gay Thanksgiving parties in the US this week

Sweaty, sexy gay holiday fun in San Francisco, Chicago and New York

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jamiet

www.gaystarnews.com/article/feast-your-eyes-top-7-gay-thanksgiving-parties-us-week261114

Book Excerpt: Richard Blanco's First 'San Giving'

The first out inaugural poet shares a childhood memory of a Thanksgiving Day with a Cuban twist in his new memoir, The Prince of Los Cocuyos.

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Advocate.com Editors

www.advocate.com/commentary/2014/11/27/book-excerpt-richard-blancos-first-san-giving

Rejected: The Struggles of Dating With HIV
As a reluctant HIV-positive activist, I am often bombarded with the secret misgivings of closeted HIV-positive men from across the country. No matter how much or how little they know about HIV or how short or how long they have been living with the virus, there seems to be only one singular concern on their mind: They are afraid of being rejected by a potential love interest because of their HIV status. These boys are looking for answers, but they are afraid of the one they might get.

You are going to be rejected.

It is true, and it is going to happen eventually. Someone is going to shut you down before they get to know you because you are living with HIV. It sucks, it isn’t fair, and there is nothing that you can do about how they feel.

But maybe you think you can overshadow the fear that your potential mate has of HIV. You think that you can charm someone with your personality and dazzle your date with your dashing good looks so much that they just won’t be able to let you go, HIV status be damned. You think maybe if you wait a couple of beats before disclosing your status, they will get to know you and look past your HIV symbol. You speak softly and explain that it doesn’t make a difference, that your viral load is undetectable, that it is totally safe.

But make no mistake: If he is the kind of guy who would shut you down before a first date, it doesn’t matter how cute you are or how hard he laughs at your jokes. There are some people who are either blindly fearful of anything in the gay community with a plus sign attached to it or, for whatever reason, shallow enough to reject you because of the social stigma that comes with the package. Either way, you might as well be reciting the national anthem of Ethiopia, because his ears turned off the second you said “HIV.”

REJECTED.

It is hard to accept that some people are unwilling to give you a chance because of something that you cannot change. But there is something you can do about how you react to it.

Stop equating rejection with loss.

You didn’t lose anything, and you most certainly saved the time you would have wasted on a guy who wasn’t right for you. Whether you are HIV-positive or not, the first step to having a healthy outlook on love and relationships is to realize that you are happier by yourself than miserable with the wrong man.

Everyone gets rejected, whether you are HIV-positive, too short, not short enough, too quiet, too loud, a slob, a clean freak, too attached to your mom, not attached enough, whatever. It doesn’t matter. You most likely have voided a relationship for a reason as shallow as an HIV status before, and you will most likely do it again. The key is to do it without malice, to be respectful of other people for who they are, and to not hold it against someone for not wanting you.

Now, regarding the whole “love” thing: People fall in love with those who have love for themselves. You may not realize it, but you already have a boyfriend, and he is staring right back at you in the mirror. If you are constantly wondering whether you will ever find love again and think of yourself as a lost cause, you need to slap yourself right across the face, because you are the worst boyfriend you could have. And guess what? The guy you have a date with is going to notice.

If you can’t treat yourself with the respect you deserve, you can never expect anyone else to respect you, much less want to call you his boyfriend. Conversely, self-respect and self-love have ways of placing you in just the right place to meet the one who is right for you.

The only way to ever be sure if he is the right man for you is to be certain that you aren’t with him just because you are worried he might be the last one who would want the job. You should be with him because he truly makes you happy and you don’t have a problem with walking away if that ever changes.

Rejection is a part of life, and, if exercised properly, it can be a healthy and affirmative practice. You should reject anyone who makes you feel as if you aren’t good enough. You should reject the notion that you aren’t deserving of happiness, love and nothing less than fireworks. Most importantly, you should reject the notion that anyone worth your time could possibly reject you for being HIV-positive.

Fall in love with yourself, then get your ass out there and meet someone worth it.

www.huffingtonpost.com/tyler-curry/rejected-the-struggles-of-dating-with-hiv_b_6226014.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices

Is Your Husband Gay? Don't Be So Sure
Jennifer discovered from her husband Tom’s emails that he was meeting Brad for sex. She came to see me, heartbroken, sure that her marriage to her “gay” husband was doomed. But when I examined Tom, I discovered he wasn’t gay. He had been sexually abused by his coach when he was a boy, and his compulsion to have sex with men was a “trauma reenactment,” which could be eliminated through therapy. Of course, Tom and Jennifer still had to work through the betrayal of his sexual acting out, but his issues did not present a fundamental impediment to the marriage. Had he been gay, then Tom and Jennifer’s challenges would have been much greater.

Seeking sex with men does not make a man gay. Sexual orientation is a complex state of being. You aren’t gay because you “act gay.” You’re gay because you are gay. When I examine a man who’s questioning his sexual orientation, I ask him about childhood abuse and other traumas that can lead straight men to seek sex with men. I’ve also developed a checklist of characteristics of gay men to help me with diagnosis. These characteristics go beyond mere sexual acts. Here is a simplified list:

1. The beach test: Gay men see the men on a beach, not the women.
2. Youthful noticing: Before puberty, gay boys notice other boys with a kind of giggling delight, just as straight boys do girls.
3. Waking up: Straight guys, even those who have sex with men, don’t want to wake up next to one.
4. Falling in love: A gay man can fall in romantic love with a man; straight men don’t.
5. Romantic hopes and dreams with a male partner: After a period of promiscuous “gay adolescence,” a gay man will yearn to “settle down.”
6. Gay sex not degrading: Straight men sometimes interpret gay sex as humiliating. Gay men find it fundamentally joyful.
7. Homophobia: If a gay man is repressing his gay identity, he is often negative about gay people and the “gay lifestyle.”

Of course, sometimes a questioning man comes to me and it turns out he is gay or bi. In this case, marriage between the man and a woman is fundamentally complicated and often (but not always) leads to divorce. I’ve developed a set of guidelines for these couples. (See my post “Mixed Orientation Marriages” on my website, JoeKort.com, or Chapter 13 of my recent book, Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?: A Guide for Women Concerned About Their Men.)

Many couples come to see me because the husband’s unconventional sexual interests are interpreted as “gay.” I’m amazed that people continue to believe that an interest in anal sex makes a man gay. Sometimes “kinks” are acted out as compulsions and need to be addressed by therapy to give the man more control over his impulses, but they usually are not “proof” that the man is gay.

Joel came to see me, afraid his wife might discover his secret. He was meeting couples to engage in very specific sex “scenes.” He wanted to be “forced” by a woman to watch her make love to her husband — even to help her make love to her husband — but if the woman wasn’t there, he wasn’t interested. His compulsion for this kink (commonly called “cuckolding”) might seem gay (because of the man in the room), but in fact I’ve never heard of a gay man with this interest.

I did help Joel become less compulsive. In his therapy we uncovered a complex situation in his childhood in which his mother doted on him when his father was absent on business trips but ignored him completely when his father was home. His longing to be included as a child had been sexualized in his psyche as a cuckolding kink. I could not “cure” him of his fantasy; he’ll always be aroused by some version of it. What we achieved in therapy was freeing him from the compulsion to act on it. As a result, he didn’t need to continue to meet with couples for sex.

When a married man and woman come to me for clarity, they end up in one of three situations:

1. The man is acting out a homosexual behavioral imprinting from childhood, which often fades with therapy.
2. The man is gay or bi, and the couple must decide how to stay together or part because of it.
3. The man has a kink whose compulsivity may be controlling and ruining his life (and the marriage), but through therapy he can learn to manage and moderate it, even though it will never go away entirely.

But wait! You want to know if your husband is gay. Without the terror of homophobia clouding our vision with horrendous legal and social consequences, it is relatively easy to determine if a man is gay. He can determine it himself, using the simple tools I noted above: beach test, youthful noticing, and so on. Bisexuality is subtler. The best way to tell if a man is bisexual is to sit down with him and talk about it.

One final thought: No one — not even an “expert” — has the right to tell you to panic and divorce. You most likely understand what you’re dealing with better than anybody. You can choose for yourself. It’s your future. You have options.

www.huffingtonpost.com/joe-kort-phd/is-your-husband-gay-dont-be-so-sure_b_6215144.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices