Growing Up Kinky
When you read a lot of popular novels, you get the impression that kinky is a choice you make as an adult. The protagonist reads a book, sees a movie, or meets that one certain kinky yin to their vanilla yang and their entire sexual identity shifts. That’s how it happened in Nine and a Half Weeks
. It even happened that way in the Story of O
. You meet someone else and, before you know it, you fall into a pit of lust and do stuff you never even dreamed of doing before.
In other words, it’s all fiction. It’s a way for people to rationalize their desires: “oh, I was just walking along, minding by own vanilla business and then WHOOSH, I saw this hot woman behind me in line and now I’m a lesbian.” No. It doesn’t happen like that. Even when it feels as if it does, it doesn’t.
Sexual identity doesn’t start in adulthood. You can’t catch sexual identity from someone else or be “turned” if you are not built for it in the first place. It was that kind of thinking that led 1950s-60s sex hysterics to spread the insane idea that homosexuality was contagious and would somehow infect or alter people who were exposed to it. That has been the homophobic right’s biggest argument against gay school teachers, although it is, without doubt, one of the sickest lies ever told.
Sexual identity starts in childhood, usually long before you have any idea that there is a name or a label to describe the things you are most drawn to. It begins before you have the hormones to turn you on sexually. In pre-pubertal childhood, most of us already have inklings and inclinations that will develop into full-fledged sexual desires when we get older. Gay and lesbian children may know they’re same-sex oriented before they experience anything like adult lust; fetishists may already feel a special affection for future fetish objects; and BDSM’ers typically recall how they loved bondage scenes in movies or getting tied up in kiddy games.
I’m typical that way. I always knew there was something different about me. In sixth grade, I had an irrepressible urge to punch my boyfriend when we kissed, something that mystified me as much as it irritated him. I was a fan of all action/adventure movies that featured bondage and whipping. I fooled around with girls. As soon as I could buy my own clothes, I went with the tomboy look, living in workshirts, chinos and army boots. And, when I started masturbating to sex fantasies at puberty, they always involved captivity, bondage and Tom of Finland-looking men.
Of course, I didn’t know about Tom of Finland then. Nor did I know that gender was fluid, and it was okay for me to prefer men’s styles to women’s. I agonized about clothing just as I agonized about my sexual fantasies. The real me didn’t fit in the world. My secret need to do painful things to boys did not fit in with my relaxed, free-loving style. My bisexuality, my polyamorous nature…I didn’t even have those words to describe myself then. As a fiery young feminist, the idea of a power relationship was, in itself, offensive. And yet, when I tied my ankles with a scarf in bed at night, in the dark, when no one could hear me, I soared to ecstasy.
Growing up kinky, queer, non-binary, non-heteronormative is a mixed bag which often includes struggles and self-doubt, insecurity about being weird, fear that your secret sexual desires make you unlovable, and endless questions about how you’ll live and whether you will ever find anyone who accepts the real you. But you grow up. You find ways to deal and, if you’re lucky and work for it, chances are you will find that person or those people who don’t just accept you but are grateful for who you turned out to be.
But one thing you won’t do: you won’t become someone else. You can’t pray away your DNA. No matter how many straight people one may sleep with, it doesn’t turn anyone straight. Neither do you suddenly turn kinky or queer through exposure. Who you are, sexually, has been with you all along, waiting to emerge, to blossom, to be resolved or to find support that helps you get where you were heading in the first place.
I grew up kinky, and wrote all about it in my new book, A Fetish for Men, now the #1 Best Seller in Gay & Lesbian History on Amazon.
www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gloria-brame/growing-up-kinky_b_6753806.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay+Voices
