HRC Releases First Corporate Equality Index to Rate Global LGBT Workplace Inclusion

Top score requires companies to provide non-discrimination protections to their LGBT employees worldwide
HRC.org

www.hrc.org/blog/entry/hrc-launches-first-global-lgbt-workplace-equality-rating-with-unprecedented?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss-feed

Arkansas Judge Reduced Young Men’s Sentences In Exchange For Sex, Spankings: VIDEO

An Arkansas judge is accused of soliciting sex from young white male offenders in exchange for reduced sentences.

Joseph Boeckmann (above), a district judge in Cross County since 2009, faces an ethics complaint alleging he gave preferential treatment to defendants who completed personal work at his residence, and performed sexual favors. Boeckmann is also accused of having child pornography on his computer.

Boeckmann regularly awarded “substitutionary sentences” of community service to certain defendants, typically white males between the ages of 18 and 35, according to the ethics complaint released Tuesday:

In one case, Boeckmann allegedly paid a defendant to allow the judge to photograph him nude over a period of five years. In another, a young defendant had a sexual relationship with Boeckmann and even lived at his home. Boeckmann gave the defendant cars and a boat and paid his bills:

Despite the seriousness of the allegations, the commission investigating them has no power to suspend Boeckmann or remove him from office, according to a report from ArkansasOnline.com. Instead, the commission would have to seek Boeckmann’s removal through the Arkansas Supreme Court.

Boeckmann, who isn’t commenting on the allegations, has 30 days to respond to the ethics complaint.

Watch a report from WREG-TV and read the full complaint below.

The post Arkansas Judge Reduced Young Men’s Sentences In Exchange For Sex, Spankings: VIDEO appeared first on Towleroad.

John Wright

Arkansas Judge Reduced Young Men’s Sentences In Exchange For Sex, Spankings: VIDEO

8 Things Later-in-Life Lesbians Want You To Know

At an event earlier this year, I met two women who, as it turned out, were not only business partners but also life partners. They left their marriages and grown children in their 50s and have been together ever since. My curiosity piqued, I’m afraid I monopolized their time with my many questions. As someone who writes about midlife reinventions on my site, Next Act for Women, I am always on the lookout for women who have made major life changes, whether personal or professional, later in life. This certainly qualified.

As luck would have it, soon after, I received an unsolicited request from Lisa Ekus, who fell in love with another woman at 51 and wanted to share her story. It was kismet. After hearing more about Lisa’s background, and talking to my sister, Kat, who also came out late, I felt there was a lot we “straight” people needed to learn. Starting with my most glaring misconception…

1. I DIDN’T “BECOME” GAY
Most of the women I interviewed were adamant that they did not suddenly turn from straight to gay, but rather only awakened later in life to their attraction to women. They feel this attraction has always been there but had been previously inaccessible, for reasons individual to each situation.

Lisa Dordal, who came out after being married to a man for five years, explains, “I finally embraced the fact that I was a lesbian when I came out of the closet at age 30. I believe strongly that I was knit in the womb as a lesbian. In retrospect, the clues had been there all along. In high school and college, I wrote poems about girls and women I had crushes on and can also remember falling in love with my best friend at 14–as much as one can ‘fall in love’ at that age.”

Candace Talmadge agrees: “It’s a question of acknowledging that which is already within you and deciding to act on it instead of ignoring or burying it in the closet. I tried to act straight and dated men without any success. I could have continued on that unhappy road but I found a person who loves and respects me and has been my best friend since 1986, and my spouse since last year. She just happens to be female instead of male.”

Dr. Lauren Costine, Psychologist, LGBTQ Activist, and author of Lesbian Love Addiction: Understanding the Urge to Merge and What to do When Things Go Wrong, shares her journey: “Once I had worked on my internalized LGBTQ phobias, I finally felt good enough about myself to be my authentic self. I stopped worrying about what anyone thought about my identity and who I loved and had sex with–especially my mother, who made it very clear she did not want me to be a lesbian. It was very hard on me for a long time because I did not want to disappoint her and I know her inability to love this part of me affected my ability to come out earlier in life. Unfortunately, she never accepted my lesbian identity but I finally moved past needing her approval and started living my life. And it’s amazing! I love my life. I love being different and don’t want to be like everyone else. Life was way harder when I was trying to be straight. Being an LGBTQ activist–trying to make the world a better place for LGBTQ folks–takes away any discomfort I may have being a sexual minority.”

2. IT’S NOT ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT MAN
This is a misconception many of these women heard as they were questioned about their newly acknowledged identities. It’s as if straight people are saying we just can’t imagine how someone who’s been in a heterosexual relationship could possibly prefer a same-sex one. It must be that she has not found the “right” man to “keep” her straight.

Amy Dulaney, whose Catholic upbringing did not allow her to contemplate her attraction to women, left her husband after 10 years. “Many of my friends who have known me many years still believe I have not found the right man, which is ridiculous to me at this point. I came out late, but I do believe the people who know me see that I am happy being true to myself.”

Carren Strock, author of Married Women Who Love Women, came out after 25 years of marriage. She and her husband have been in a redefined relationship for more than 50 years now. “What I try to make people understand is that the discovery of a woman’s same gender sexuality has nothing to do with her husband being ‘more than’ or ‘less than’; who and what the woman is doesn’t change. Her discovery simply adds another dimension to who she is.”

3. SEXUALITY IS COMPLICATED
As with so many things, many believe that sexuality is not black and white, but that its many variations exist on a spectrum. The women I interviewed ask us not to make assumptions about how they define their sexuality and not to categorize them based on our lack of understanding.

My sister, Kat Tragos, came out at age 30 and today, at 50, has been in a committed relationship with a woman for close to six years. She believes the Kinsey scale is the way to look at sexual attraction. “On one end of the spectrum you have strictly heterosexual and on the other strictly homosexual. I fall somewhere in between, tipping the scale toward homosexual. I have been attracted to, and fallen in love with, both men and women but find myself drawn to women more than men. This was not always the case but perhaps I have allowed myself to awaken over time. I don’t like to say I am bisexual; I’m just sexual. I have come across many lesbians and gay men who say bisexuality is a cop-out and that I am just not owning who I am; well, I’ve accepted that for some there is a gray area and I wish they would too. I am happy to be in a loving honest relationship with my girlfriend.”

Nancy Schimmel left her husband after 17 years, not because she was gay but because the marriage no longer worked for her; she considers herself bisexual but prefers partners who are female and feminist. “People assume that I have either been in denial half my life about being attracted to women or that I knew and was afraid to come out. This may be the case with women who are only sexually attracted to women, but I am attracted to both men and women.”

Lisa D. says people assume, because she was married to a man, that she must be bisexual. She describes her views on sexuality: “Being with someone (sexually) of the opposite sex does not make that person heterosexual. It is all about desire and attraction, not simply the act itself. There are, of course, plenty of women (and men) who are bisexual but I am not one of them.”

Lisa D. also describes society’s role in pushing hetero expectations: “Sometimes people don’t understand how I could have been married for ‘so long’ without realizing that I was a lesbian. They often underestimate the power of cultural ‘norming.’ Cultural expectations can’t make someone straight (or gay or anything else) but they have enormous power in directing how people live their lives. I grew up in a fairly traditional (though politically liberal) family with clearly defined gender roles. What I learned from my family and from the larger culture (this was in the ’60s and ’70s) was that I was expected to marry a man when I grew up.”

4. COMING OUT LATER CAN BE A PERSONAL STRUGGLE
Coming out at an older age can be a confusing and difficult process for many women who may be struggling to define their true selves. In the face of that insecurity, family and friends may question a woman’s motives, her past, and the validity of her journey.

Laila Berrios, who divorced her husband after six years and two kids, explains, “Straight folk either assume I ‘became’ lesbian because something happened to ‘turn me’ or that I was lying to everybody all my life. None of this acknowledges the truth of my past, that I was living my life as honestly as I knew how but I only recently began to explore who I am. I had no sense of identity until three years ago. I feel like a child. I wish people knew that I don’t understand my coming out either. I’m struggling. I cry over this. You don’t get it? Well, neither do I.”

Pat*, who divorced her second husband and has made a home with her partner, Laura, for seven years now, explains: “My past was not a sham. I truly lived my former life as a straight dedicated wife, mother, and friend. All I knew was that at age 40, something was missing. Many of us struggle for years and years and many maintain the relationship with their husband yet still seek a relationship with a woman. I’m sorry for the pain I caused my husband. I thought I could maintain a dual life but it simply wasn’t possible.”

And sometimes the process of coming out never ends. Andrea Hewitt, who came out at 44 while she was married to her second husband and blogs on A Late Life Lesbian Story, explains, “One thing that I didn’t expect was how you have to ‘out’ yourself continually. For most people, heterosexuality is the default norm, so that’s what most people assume you are (unless you are holding hands with your girlfriend in front of them!). So, I continually have to ‘come out’ in places that I never expected — at the doctor’s office, at my kids’ school, in new work settings. I thought once I came out, that would be it; but it’s not the case at all.”

5. ESTABLISHED LESBIANS ARE NOT ALWAYS WELCOMING
Interestingly, the judgment and doubt can come from within the lesbian community. Established lesbians have often fought long and hard to gain more acceptance and are wary of older newcomers, who they feel may be going through a phase or are not ready to fully embrace their newfound identity.

Andrea describes it this way: “Some lesbians can be judgmental about ‘newbies’ or ‘baby dykes’ and, in some cases, rightfully so. When you come out, it’s like you have to start over in many ways, and it can feel like you are a teenager all over again. So, other lesbians can sometimes be wary of dating you if you are a newbie since you don’t have much dating experience and you are brand new to being out. Plus, if you are still married to a man, they can be concerned about you getting out of that relationship and severing those ties. And then there are some lesbians who are judgmental about women with kids if they themselves don’t want any.”

Laila chimes in, “Fellow lesbians have trouble accepting that I’m truly a lesbian, because I hadn’t recognized it for 33 years. I can’t even say I was always attracted to women. I’ve got no ‘les cred.'” Kat agrees: “When women first come out, lesbians are often leery of them because they are not sure if this is just a phase; there’s a perception that ‘first’ lesbian relationships are always disastrous. Then there are ‘gold star lesbians,’ lesbians who have never slept with a man; they often pride themselves on this and seem to think it somehow makes them superior. It’s really pretty stupid.”

Later-in-life lesbians may not feel comfortable in the established gay community of their older peers and may have a hard time carving out their space. Laila explains: “I feel like I’ve been thrown into this whole culture and I don’t know any of the customs, language, history. I feel like I should be a part of it, but I’m not. I’m on the outside looking in. My girlfriends have tried their best to educate me. The queer world is different. Queer people are different. There are two kinds: those who want to assimilate into hetero-normative culture and those who don’t. I can assimilate (because I was part of it) but I prefer not to. My girlfriends and our other queer friends don’t either.”

Dr. Costine adds another dimension to this difficulty fitting in: “It has been hard for me at times to find a cohesive lesbian community. Since I came out after getting sober, I don’t go to bars or drinking parties. It has been harder to create a group of lesbian friends without the initial party opportunity to help me meet other women. Historically, LGBTQ folks have found community in bars and we are in transition about that now. The lesbian community can have a hard time creating community when a bar is not involved. My hope is that will continue to change and we find ways to connect to our special community without it involving a bar or a drinking-oriented party.”

6. YES, THINGS ARE BETTER, BUT WE STILL FACE DISAPPROVAL AND REJECTION
Most of the women I heard from shared examples of friends or family members who became distant or even severed ties when these women came out. They are not always out in the workplace, and often need to watch their behavior when they are outside their homes.

While Lisa D.’s family and close friends were accepting, she experienced some negative and ignorant reactions: “One friend from graduate school did not approve of my being a lesbian (she was very conservative religiously) and basically, in the nicest way possible, condemned me to hell. Another woman (a co-worker) told me she didn’t understand homosexuality but she was fine with it as long as I didn’t ‘try anything’ with her. Also, there are many places and environments that I would not go to–or situations that I would not put myself in–for fear of something bad happening. So, there is always a kind of quiet ‘editing’ that occurs as I live my life.”

Andrea says, “The saddest thing is how I have to be careful expressing affection for my partner in public in ways that I did not have to worry about when I was with a man. I never thought twice about holding hands or being affectionate (appropriately so) with a man when I identified as straight. Now when I’m out anywhere with my partner, I always have to think, is this a safe place to hold hands? Can I call her honey in this store without getting any looks? I’m hopeful that this will change in my lifetime, but I just don’t know.”

Where one lives can make a difference. For Kat, living in San Francisco, “I feel pretty safe being myself overall. I can walk down any street holding my partner’s hand without worry. But when we travel, I often inquire ahead of time how lesbians are viewed where I am going. When I traveled alone to Thailand and Tanzania, I avoided relationship conversations. I am still very guarded with my clients in disclosing anything about my personal life. So I am not 100 percent confident talking about being a lesbian with just anyone. I guess, in a way, that’s probably smart.”

Dr. Costine agrees: “I live in a very open city, Los Angeles, which is, in many ways, inclusive and progressive. Still, there are areas all over LA that are less accepting. When I venture outside of the inner city into the Valley or into more white, straight family neighborhoods, I am struck and sometimes even amused by the strange stares I get when I hold my girlfriend’s hand. By the way, the stares are almost always given by women.”

Laila chose to leave her church when the pastor equated being gay with being an addict. She’s found it difficult to reconcile her faith with her sexuality. In addition, she works for a conservative older woman with ties to her old church, so hides her true self from her as well for fear of losing her job. “The day I give her my two-week notice is the day I’ll come out to her. I eagerly anticipate that day.”

She also has to be careful when she is outside her home: “I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, so the amount of prejudice I’ve faced has been very little compared to stories I’ve heard. Still, we get looks, stares, glares, whispers at the next table. Heads turn when we walk by. I get scared around anybody seemingly strongly religious. One of the most amazing moments was when my girlfriend and I were out of town and I told her how I’d researched the area we were in and that they were very queer-friendly. She reached over and held my hand as we walked. She held my hand! That still brings tears of joy to my eyes.”

7. DON’T PUT LABELS ON US
The women I interviewed have encountered many labels and stereotypes, and reject them vehemently. As Andrea says, “I think it’s odd when people assume one of us is ‘the man’ in the relationship; neither of us is ‘the man!'” Candace agrees: “I hate labels. They are shortcuts that give us permission to stop thinking and respond to a set of assumptions about the label instead of the person before us. I am a growing soul who has a physical body at this time. That’s the only description I apply to me.”

Kat says she got caught up in those false labels when she first came out: “I could not relate to lesbians because the ones I met were rather ‘butch’ in demeanor and appearance but then I started meeting more feminine lesbians (called ‘femmes’ in the lesbian community) and thought, ok, so you can be a lesbian and still be feminine. I know I am not ultra feminine but I also did not see myself as this tough masculine person. I know for a fact that my more feminine lesbian friends have a tougher time being accepted in the lesbian community; it’s pretty catty. To this day, I really dislike labels and really get offended when I am called a butch.”

Pat agrees, “Don’t assume we all fit into some neat little lesbian box of butch or femme and don’t assume we all hate men — our sons, and many of our best friends, are men. The more we flood the population with all kinds of ‘her-stories’ and realizations of being gay, the more the ‘Stone-cold Butch/Die hard Lesbian’ stereotype will fade and we will all blend together. At least, I like to think so.”

Amy brings up another commonly held assumption: “One misconception is if you have any tomboyish characteristic, that you are gay or a poster child for being a lesbian. That the only lesbians are the women who look butch.”

8. YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND, BUT PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL
Many of the women I interviewed know that they will encounter judgment and cannot control others’ reactions.

Carren explains: “The way others respond to me has nothing to do with me or who I am, but has to do with where they are on their journeys. One friend stopped talking to me for several months when I told her about myself. Then she confessed that my announcement made her very uncomfortable, asking, ‘What would happen if one day I wake up and discover that I am a lesbian too?’ Another insisted I was wrong about my sexuality, saying, ‘I know what lesbians look like and how they dress. You don’t look or dress like them so you can’t be one!'”

Andrea agrees, “What I wish that everyone would understand about coming out as a late life lesbian is that I’m still the same person I was before; I’m just happy and more comfortable with myself now. I simply want to be treated the same as everyone else.”

Laila gives this advice: “We don’t ask you to treat us as if we’re like you. We just ask that you respect us for who we are: different, but still human. I’m not the same person I was before I came out. Straight me has little in common with lesbian me. I like this me better. Just be respectful. Every time you want to object to something between a homosexual couple, first change it in your mind to a heterosexual couple and ask yourself if you’d still object. Straight couples can have a full make-out session in public without raising much of an eyebrow. Lesbians hold hands and we’re ‘rubbing it in your face.'”

Amy puts it best: “Each person has a heart and soul and feels pain. Be careful how you talk to someone. Their gender identity or sexual preference does not mean they do not have a heart and soul. Each person in this world deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.”

*Last name withheld by request

Hélène Tragos Stelian writes about midlife reinventions on her blog, Next Act For Women. Connect with her on Facebook and on Twitter

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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Meet the rising queen of the London dairy scene

It takes faith and courage to turn your back on a well-paid corporate career and launch your own business; especially when the idea for that business might be considered a little ‘out there’.

The concept of producing Mexican cheese in the South London neighborhood of Peckham may initially seem a little surprising, but as Kristen Schnepp, the founder and owner of Gringa Dairy explains it, there was method to her madness.

Schnepp is originally from the US. She was born in Illinois but grew up in the Central Valley region of California; where she first discovered a love for Mexican cheese.

Eight years ago, she and her wife, Laurie – who’s works in diversity at McKinsey and Company – got the opportunity to relocate to the UK. The couple have been together 20 years.

Schnepp’s background is also in the corporate world. Before launching Gringa she had a senior role at Lloyds in the business development loans department. However, one day she woke up and decided that a radical change was needed.

‘I got to 43 and decided it was time to do something different. I’ve always wanted to make cheese and that was when I decided to do something about it.’

She says that her wife’s support and encouragement played a pivotal role.

‘I had been going on and one and on about wanting to be a small holder, and she said to me, “You know what I want for my birthday? I want you to write a business plan!” She was basically saying, “Put up or shut up”.’

But why Mexican cheese?

‘Firstly, no-one else is doing it. The UK is obviously sorted for Cheddar, and although I was initially in making a soft, Brie-like cheese, Somerset has pretty much got that covered, so I didn’t see a market opportunity.

‘Living here in London, I noticed that Mexican food was improving. When I started to do my research, I found that there had been an increase from one supplier of Mexican cheese to 3-4 suppliers, but it was all canned or dried.

‘At the same time, Mexican restaurants were getting better and some chefs were beginning to think about buying fresh Mexican cheese. They were going to want to take the next authentic step, and to me that was buying from a dairy.

‘It’s very difficult to import really fresh cheese, and prohibitively expensive, so I thought, why not me? I really saw it as a business opportunity.’

The idea for Gringa Dairy was born. Using the couple’s own savings, Schnepp took on the lease of a railway arch off Old Kent Road and spent the winter of 2012 kitting it out. She made her first batch of commercial cheese in spring 2013, having spent several months obtaining the required licenses.

The notion of making cheese in a railway arch may alarm some people, but the place is kept scrupulously clean; Schnepp asks me to remove my shoes and don a pair of rubber clogs before I cross the threshold.

Like any new business, the venture was fraught with challenges. Coming from a career in which she’d been heavily involved with SMEs, it was less the business side of things that daunted Schnepp, but the actual process of learning to make cheese – something which she had previously no experience about.

‘My parents were entrepreneurs. My dad was a gourmet food broker and distributor in San Francisco so I felt confident about the business and marketing side, but what I didn’t know how to do was to make cheese.

‘I took some classes and did what I lovingly call “dairy slaving” at other dairies, to get the experience. Then, I thought, ‘I’ll figure the rest out’. In retrospect, that was insane! Making cheese is such a craft and it requires both art and science; a lot of science and quite a bit of art.’

That art and science was required to ensure her cheese matched its Mexican counterparts. Cattle in Mexico tend to be raised on a maize-heavy diet, while cows in the UK are fed grass and other grains, meaning subtle changes in the flavor of the milk.

After a great deal of practice, Schnepp perfected her technique. She now produces three Mexican cheeses; Queso Fresco, Queso Chihuahua and Queso Oaxaca. The latter is a delicious, Mexican-style mozzarella made from raw milk; it’s basically the most popular cheese in Mexico.

Organic milk is brought to the dairy every morning from a farm in Kent. Schnepp sells the cheeses primarily to a growing list of restaurant clients and also a small number of independent retailers, including Selfridge’s food hall and select Whole Foods outlets. Her cheese can also be bought online.

Two years down the line, the business has exceeded her expectations and she employs a half dozen staff, primarily on a part-time/shift basis. She says Gringa is producing 225-250 kilos of cheese a week – a figure set to rise.

‘We have been more successful than I thought we would have been. I thought we would just bump along, just me alone, and we’d be a super-small niche project. But now we’re growing and growing, which is really exciting, so my ambitions around the project have grown.

‘I have no desire to be a huge, mass-market faceless brand, as we’d then lose the ethical and sustainable aspect of what we do.

‘For us, it’s about paying a fair price to the farmer, operating our business in a way that we like, and making sure we’re doing the right things for the environment, but it’s very clear to us that we have the opportunity to grow, which is really exciting.’

When it comes to offering advice to others thinking of launching their own business, Schnepp is keen to stress the importance of research and seeking as much advice from others as possible. She also says that creativity is but a small part of success.

‘What I also tell people is that if you’re so passionate about what you make, but you’re terrified of going out and actually selling it, then business may not be for you because you do need to get out there and sell your product.

‘You’re probably better off finding the right business partner who wants to do the that side of it or working for someone else where you can allow your creativity to run free because the business side is honestly the majority of what you need to do to make your brand succeed.’

For more information on Gringa Dairy, check gringadairy.com

 

Images by Astrid Schulz Photography

The post Meet the rising queen of the London dairy scene appeared first on Gay Star News.

David Hudson

www.gaystarnews.com/article/meet-the-rising-queen-of-the-london-dairy-scene/

Kick Off Your Day With “Pups & Pecs.” Why? Why Not?

There’s a new web series that doesn’t beat around the bush. Pups & Pecs delivers, as the name might suggest, pups and pecs.

Straightforward. To the point.

Who doesn’t love a little sex appeal with their dose of cute dog “awww’s”?

Take, for instance, the third and latest installment — “Taxi.”

It’s 28 pointless yet somehow satisfying seconds of, you guessed it, a shirtless guy with a puppy hailing a cap in New York City.

Why? Why not?

But if you fancy yourself more of a public transit sort of person, they have you covered in episode two: “Train”:

And where are these guys headed in such a hurry, anyways? Well if we’re working backwards (and really, none of this makes any sense so just go with us on this one), we get to episode one — “Boardroom”:

Related:

24 Gay Porn Stars Posing With Puppies

10 Adorable Gay Porn Stars And Their Kittens

Dan Tracer

feedproxy.google.com/~r/queerty2/~3/sjKIWa_hJPU/kick-off-your-day-with-pups-pecs-why-why-not-20151118

David Beckham is People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive': Watch the Jimmy Kimmel Reveal

David Beckham has been named People magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’. Jimmy Kimmel revealed the choice on his show last night and made audience members ask questions of the mystery man to figure out the pick.

Watch:

Said Beckham to People:

“It’s a huge honor. And I’m very pleased to accept. I mean I like to wear nice clothes and nice suits and look and feel good, but I don’t ever think of myself that way.”

RELATED: David Beckham and James Corden Get Intimate for New Underwear Line: VIDEO

People also created a ‘time machine’ so you can watch 30 years of Beckham beauty:

Beckham is traveling the world as a UNICEF Goodwill ambassador, playing football games on seven continents to raise awareness of the aide organization and has visited Papua New Guinea, Nepal, and Djibouti so far. The trip, which is being shot for a BBC documentary, also include stops in Buenos Aires, Miami and Antarctica, where he will play football with locals from each community.

 

The post David Beckham is People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’: Watch the Jimmy Kimmel Reveal appeared first on Towleroad.

Andy Towle

David Beckham is People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’: Watch the Jimmy Kimmel Reveal

Gay Rugby Player Gareth Thomas on His Darkest Moment

I wanted to be a beautiful corpse. My eyes were red rimmed, milky and stagnant. They stared accusingly from the mirror as I bathed them with cold water, forcing me to focus on the image of someone I had come to despise. He was weak, deceitful and dangerous.  The least he could do for those whose love he had betrayed was to have a decent death.

It was an automatic, numbing process. I moved from the bathroom, into the bedroom. The airy aroma of a fresh white shirt was faintly repellent, because I felt unclean. I chose a dark tie, tightened in a Windsor knot, to wear with one of the well-cut grey suits the Welsh Rugby Union issue to all internationals. A pair of black patent leather lace-up shoes completed the mask of normality.

I walked around the bungalow I had shared with my wife Jemma, in a quiet cul-de-sac on the outskirts of Toulouse, where I played for one of the great clubs in world rugby. I opened the shutters, and late autumnal sun flooded in through picture windows. It was one of those crisp, cloudless days on which running around the paddock was a reaffirmation of faith.

The house had Jemma’s imprint all over it; she was such a good maker of a nest it had no stamp of my personality on it. She arranged the furniture, selected the fabrics, and ensured there were fresh flowers on the table. Things happened magically; the kitchen was spotless, the beds were always made, and the clothes were in the right place. She did everything my mother would do, everything a home-maker does. 

But she had gone. She couldn’t bear to live my lie any longer. I had made my confession to her three months previously, in our house in the village of St Brides Major, in the Vale of Glamorgan. Yet we had decided to return to France to work at our marriage in the vague, romantic belief that somehow things could change.  All we really had was each other, and we conspired in the daydream that would be enough.

A form of madness gripped me that first night after Jemma left for the airport, carrying only hand luggage. I needed her presence, so I invented it. I climbed into her wardrobe, and sprayed her favourite perfume, Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle, around the interior. I pulled her clothes off the hangers and shelves, and buried myself within them. In my warped state of mind, it was my only way of getting her back. I sensed her spirit, savoured her scent. I was in her space, her sphere. I missed her so badly, and hated myself for what I had inflicted upon her.

I’m a tall guy, 6ft 3in, but cowered in a foetal position until dawn. Cramped and claustrophobic, I stared determinedly into the darkness because I was scared to go to sleep. Whenever I closed my eyes, even for an instant, I’d see a series of nightmare images, projected on to an imaginary screen. They were slow motion scenes of the destruction I had caused, the mayhem which was about to engulf me. If I blinked it felt like an eternity.

One thing led to another. I found the vodka. I discovered that by taking a couple of paracetamol tablets with it, I could lapse into a sort of sleep for 20 minutes. The witches were still waiting for me, but it wasn’t as brutish. Everything was a little mellower, a little easier. The demons started to befriend me. They whispered: “the more you take, the easier things get, the more chilled life is.” I began to think to myself ‘there could be a nice little way out here.’

I ventured outside, through the back door, and on to the patio. A set of stairs and a gate led to the swimming pool, and a moment of revelation. I would drown myself. I’d never again have to deal with a vision of someone screaming at me. I’d never have to justify myself. I’d do it properly, in the grand manner. I’d dress smartly, for my mother as much as anyone. It would be a beautiful way to go.

Excerpt from Proud: My Autobiography by Gareth Thomas (Ebury Press, an imprint of Random House UK), distributed by Trafalgar Square Publishing. $16.95.

Gareth Thomas

www.advocate.com/books/2015/11/18/gay-rugby-player-gareth-thomas-his-darkest-moment

Rose McGowan defends herself over Caitlyn Jenner comments: ‘I am not transphobic’

Rose McGowan has defended herself after saying Caitlyn Jenner does not understand how to be a woman.

The former Charmed actress criticized the transgender reality TV star for living a life of ‘male privilege’ and saying there is more to being a woman than ‘deciding what to wear’.

‘Caitlyn Jenner you do not understand what being a woman is about at all,’ she said in a Facebook post. ‘You want to be a woman and stand with us- well learn us. We are more than deciding what to wear.

‘We are more than the stereotypes foisted upon us by people like you. You’re a woman now? Well fucking learn that we have had a VERY different experience than your life of male privilege.

‘Woman of the year? No, not until you wake up and join the fight. Being a woman comes with a lot of baggage. The weight of unequal history. You’d do well to learn it. You’d do well to wake up. Woman of the year? Not by a long fucking shot.’

McGowan was heavily criticized, with many saying she was being transphobic. After all, this isn’t the last time she has faced the ire of the LGBTI community. Earlier this year, she said gay men were more misogynistic than straight men.

In a follow-up, she admitted she had been a ‘little intense’ about her treatment of Jenner.

pic.twitter.com/U0sAwZ3B2H

— rose mcgowan (@rosemcgowan) November 17, 2015

I guess I can be a little intense sometimes. Oh well. Fuck it.

— rose mcgowan (@rosemcgowan) November 17, 2015

 

The post Rose McGowan defends herself over Caitlyn Jenner comments: ‘I am not transphobic’ appeared first on Gay Star News.

Joe Morgan

www.gaystarnews.com/article/rose-mcgowan-defends-herself-over-caitlyn-jenner-comments-i-am-not-transphobic/