Book Excerpt: Richard Blanco's First 'San Giving'
The first out inaugural poet shares a childhood memory of a Thanksgiving Day with a Cuban twist in his new memoir, The Prince of Los Cocuyos.
Advocate.com Editors
www.advocate.com/commentary/2014/11/27/book-excerpt-richard-blancos-first-san-giving
Rejected: The Struggles of Dating With HIV
As a reluctant HIV-positive activist, I am often bombarded with the secret misgivings of closeted HIV-positive men from across the country. No matter how much or how little they know about HIV or how short or how long they have been living with the virus, there seems to be only one singular concern on their mind: They are afraid of being rejected by a potential love interest because of their HIV status. These boys are looking for answers, but they are afraid of the one they might get.
You are going to be rejected.
It is true, and it is going to happen eventually. Someone is going to shut you down before they get to know you because you are living with HIV. It sucks, it isn’t fair, and there is nothing that you can do about how they feel.
But maybe you think you can overshadow the fear that your potential mate has of HIV. You think that you can charm someone with your personality and dazzle your date with your dashing good looks so much that they just won’t be able to let you go, HIV status be damned. You think maybe if you wait a couple of beats before disclosing your status, they will get to know you and look past your HIV symbol. You speak softly and explain that it doesn’t make a difference, that your viral load is undetectable, that it is totally safe.
But make no mistake: If he is the kind of guy who would shut you down before a first date, it doesn’t matter how cute you are or how hard he laughs at your jokes. There are some people who are either blindly fearful of anything in the gay community with a plus sign attached to it or, for whatever reason, shallow enough to reject you because of the social stigma that comes with the package. Either way, you might as well be reciting the national anthem of Ethiopia, because his ears turned off the second you said “HIV.”
REJECTED.
It is hard to accept that some people are unwilling to give you a chance because of something that you cannot change. But there is something you can do about how you react to it.
Stop equating rejection with loss.
You didn’t lose anything, and you most certainly saved the time you would have wasted on a guy who wasn’t right for you. Whether you are HIV-positive or not, the first step to having a healthy outlook on love and relationships is to realize that you are happier by yourself than miserable with the wrong man.
Everyone gets rejected, whether you are HIV-positive, too short, not short enough, too quiet, too loud, a slob, a clean freak, too attached to your mom, not attached enough, whatever. It doesn’t matter. You most likely have voided a relationship for a reason as shallow as an HIV status before, and you will most likely do it again. The key is to do it without malice, to be respectful of other people for who they are, and to not hold it against someone for not wanting you.
Now, regarding the whole “love” thing: People fall in love with those who have love for themselves. You may not realize it, but you already have a boyfriend, and he is staring right back at you in the mirror. If you are constantly wondering whether you will ever find love again and think of yourself as a lost cause, you need to slap yourself right across the face, because you are the worst boyfriend you could have. And guess what? The guy you have a date with is going to notice.
If you can’t treat yourself with the respect you deserve, you can never expect anyone else to respect you, much less want to call you his boyfriend. Conversely, self-respect and self-love have ways of placing you in just the right place to meet the one who is right for you.
The only way to ever be sure if he is the right man for you is to be certain that you aren’t with him just because you are worried he might be the last one who would want the job. You should be with him because he truly makes you happy and you don’t have a problem with walking away if that ever changes.
Rejection is a part of life, and, if exercised properly, it can be a healthy and affirmative practice. You should reject anyone who makes you feel as if you aren’t good enough. You should reject the notion that you aren’t deserving of happiness, love and nothing less than fireworks. Most importantly, you should reject the notion that anyone worth your time could possibly reject you for being HIV-positive.
Fall in love with yourself, then get your ass out there and meet someone worth it.
Is Your Husband Gay? Don't Be So Sure
Jennifer discovered from her husband Tom’s emails that he was meeting Brad for sex. She came to see me, heartbroken, sure that her marriage to her “gay” husband was doomed. But when I examined Tom, I discovered he wasn’t gay. He had been sexually abused by his coach when he was a boy, and his compulsion to have sex with men was a “trauma reenactment,” which could be eliminated through therapy. Of course, Tom and Jennifer still had to work through the betrayal of his sexual acting out, but his issues did not present a fundamental impediment to the marriage. Had he been gay, then Tom and Jennifer’s challenges would have been much greater.
Seeking sex with men does not make a man gay. Sexual orientation is a complex state of being. You aren’t gay because you “act gay.” You’re gay because you are gay. When I examine a man who’s questioning his sexual orientation, I ask him about childhood abuse and other traumas that can lead straight men to seek sex with men. I’ve also developed a checklist of characteristics of gay men to help me with diagnosis. These characteristics go beyond mere sexual acts. Here is a simplified list:
Of course, sometimes a questioning man comes to me and it turns out he is gay or bi. In this case, marriage between the man and a woman is fundamentally complicated and often (but not always) leads to divorce. I’ve developed a set of guidelines for these couples. (See my post “Mixed Orientation Marriages” on my website, JoeKort.com, or Chapter 13 of my recent book, Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?: A Guide for Women Concerned About Their Men.)
Many couples come to see me because the husband’s unconventional sexual interests are interpreted as “gay.” I’m amazed that people continue to believe that an interest in anal sex makes a man gay. Sometimes “kinks” are acted out as compulsions and need to be addressed by therapy to give the man more control over his impulses, but they usually are not “proof” that the man is gay.
Joel came to see me, afraid his wife might discover his secret. He was meeting couples to engage in very specific sex “scenes.” He wanted to be “forced” by a woman to watch her make love to her husband — even to help her make love to her husband — but if the woman wasn’t there, he wasn’t interested. His compulsion for this kink (commonly called “cuckolding”) might seem gay (because of the man in the room), but in fact I’ve never heard of a gay man with this interest.
I did help Joel become less compulsive. In his therapy we uncovered a complex situation in his childhood in which his mother doted on him when his father was absent on business trips but ignored him completely when his father was home. His longing to be included as a child had been sexualized in his psyche as a cuckolding kink. I could not “cure” him of his fantasy; he’ll always be aroused by some version of it. What we achieved in therapy was freeing him from the compulsion to act on it. As a result, he didn’t need to continue to meet with couples for sex.
When a married man and woman come to me for clarity, they end up in one of three situations:
But wait! You want to know if your husband is gay. Without the terror of homophobia clouding our vision with horrendous legal and social consequences, it is relatively easy to determine if a man is gay. He can determine it himself, using the simple tools I noted above: beach test, youthful noticing, and so on. Bisexuality is subtler. The best way to tell if a man is bisexual is to sit down with him and talk about it.
One final thought: No one — not even an “expert” — has the right to tell you to panic and divorce. You most likely understand what you’re dealing with better than anybody. You can choose for yourself. It’s your future. You have options.
Passengers Give Airplane A Jump-Start On Frozen Tarmac In Siberia: VIDEO
In case weather woes are flummoxing your travel plans today, the busiest travel day of the year in the U.S., take comfort in knowing you are not in Siberia. A plane that was stuck on a frozen tarmac in the town of Igarka, Siberia had to rely on its hardy passengers to take to the tarmac and give the plane a running start as temperatures reportedly sank below negative 52 degrees Celsius (negative 66 degrees Fahrenheit)!
Someone get these poor people some hand-warmers.
Watch, AFTER THE JUMP…
Sean Mandell
Why the Mississippi Marriage Win Is Our Most Important Yet
A federal judge overturned Mississippi’s marriage ban this week, in a ruling heavily influenced by DOMA-busting lawyer Robbie Kaplan.
Matt Baume
Formerly Gay and for Rent
I suppose a few falling leaves, over time, are to be expected — but when the tree is nearly bare and the wind-chill factor climbs higher than the age of that street-corner twink you’re angling to hook, change becomes something to resent.
It’s a cold day indeed when you find yourself huddled against what used to be the Rawhide bar, bitterly surveying a vanilla-speckled permafrost of banks and franchises and chain stores.
Good gravy, Mary.
Is it not enough that the pharmacies and Starbucks outnumber the sex shops and watering holes, and have for quite some time? Assimilated and defeated, many of our old-guard gays have had little choice but to “come out of the shadows and get right with the law” by trading in their whippets for wedding bands, their Boy Butter for baby carriages. It’s no wonder so many of the queer homesteaders who made Chelsea what it was have taken their balls to other playgrounds, or simply let the air out and called it a day.
If that sounds just a tad dramatic, consider this:
From 14th to 23rd Streets, three gay-centric storefront businesses with a combined presence of over nine decades on Eighth Avenue have stood empty for months — “For Rent” signs starting to weather, and no sign that what replaces chic clothing store Camouflage, (1976-2014), playful lifestyle emporium Rainbows & Triangles (1994-2014) and the reliably cruisy Rawhide bar (1980-2013) will cater to anything other than bland choices and desexualized tastes.
And who can afford the asking price that forced contemporary men’s retail store Universal Gear (2001-2014) to forego its lease renewal and move 20 blocks uptown to Hell’s Kitchen?
Just Salad, that’s who. How they’ll make their monthly rent by pimping roughage is not my concern. I’m more interested in the cold, hard fact that as more lavender-leaning merchants disappear, recent arrivals like juice joint Liquiteria and yogurt emporium 16 Handles further drain Eighth Avenue of its libido-friendly pluck.
We had another end-of-an-era scare recently when they gutted Rainbow Station — but the 24/7 sex shop was soon back: two doors down, directly across from archrival The Blue and better positioned to fight for its share of dwindling foot traffic. Three blocks away, savvy marketing has eluded Rainbow Station’s sister space.
Opened in late 2013, it briefly toyed with the name “Splash” — a nod to the West 17th Street mega-bar of the same name, whose 1991-to-2013 existence parallels Chelsea’s own shelf life as a viable gayborhood.
Sadly, Splosh has achieved only one of the promises spattered across its boastful exterior signage (“Bar & Lounge * Café * Sexy Boutique”). The dream of inserting a social/sexual business model into increasingly prudish Chelsea was deferred by vocal opposition, a liquor license that didn’t materialize, and customers who never warmed up to the notion of eating a $10 steak dinner in close proximity to lube, poppers and fetish gear.
Well, at least they tried. The Sexy Boutique’s still there, though for how long is anybody’s guess — and it’s here that an unmotivated customer base must take its place alongside skyrocketing rents when tracking the real cause of Eighth Avenue’s eroding gay integrity. That bitter truth had the co-owner of Rainbows & Triangles seeing red, shortly before closing his doors after two decades on the block.
Men who hadn’t been regulars for years, he told me, saw the “SALE” sign in the window and tried to squeeze him for an even more generous discount on top of the steals and deals he was already offering. Faced with that scenario, he decided that what remained on the final day would be put in storage or given to charity. Good for him. Chelsea may not be as gay as it was, but a few of us still have some pride.
PHOTOS: The Shower Selfie Challenge Makes Bath Time So Much Fun
Earlier this week we learned about a new campaign called The Shower Selfie Challenge, encouraging people to upload pictures of themselves getting sudsy and tag the shots #weareALLclean.
The idea is to challenge the notion that having HIV makes you “dirty” by contrast of the often used “clean” to describe a negative HIV status, and the hope is that participants will donate money along the way to help find a cure.
Here’s how have played out in just a couple of days:
A photo posted by dc34ever (@dc34ever) on Oct 10, 2014 at 3:50pm PDT
showing my supprt 4 the #weareALLclean ShowerSelfieChallenge 2 raise $$ 4 AIDS cure.Your turn???? t.co/leeHCSfwG9 pic.twitter.com/Ar72oc6Gvm
— Eli Lieb (@elilieb) November 26, 2014
#weareALLclean #hiv/aidsawareness pic.twitter.com/YFsTc8qguV
— JerZey (@xJerZeyWilDx) November 26, 2014
I took the #HIV Shower Selfie Challenge Raise $$ for AIDS Cure t.co/CvoEOMQszj #weareALLclean @jackmackenroth pic.twitter.com/qUutNGSJM9
— Mark S. King (@MyFabDisease) November 26, 2014
Take the HIV ShowerSelfieChallenge for an AIDS cure!t.co/j4pLj0Rycz #weareALLclean Share on @Moovzofficial pic.twitter.com/x2WQtJcCgl
— Idan Matalon (@idanmat) November 24, 2014
#weareALLclean #love @jackmackenroth #inspiring #Montana pic.twitter.com/hZH1fd2NZH
— Christopher Gehring (@stopher85) November 26, 2014
#HIV Shower Selfie Challenge raise $$ for AIDS cure t.co/C18jDNX9h6 #weareALLclean @left_magazine @SisterRoma pic.twitter.com/B7QKffuRSW
— BeBe Sweetbriar (@bebesweetbriar) November 26, 2014
#weareALLclean pic.twitter.com/fjUpx6iLpo
— Marco Di Palma (@Marco_Di_Palma) November 26, 2014
#weareALLclean #support pic.twitter.com/FOEpyWByZe
— Trent Matthews (@TrentMatthewXXX) November 26, 2014
A photo posted by @rafa_varez on Nov 11, 2014 at 10:44am PST
A photo posted by Joe Schmelzer (@treasurbite) on Nov 11, 2014 at 9:18am PST
???????????? Let’s get rid of the stigma… There’s a sad notion out there that people with HIV are “dirty.” In fact, ?#?WeAreAllClean?. Take a #ShowerSelfie challenge and make a donation for the #AIDSAwareness Campaign INSTRUCTIONS: 1) Take a selfie or Vine video of yourself in the shower.** NO EXPLICIT NUDITY** 2) Post your photo with the caption “Take HIV Shower Selfie Challenge raise $$ for AIDS cure bit.ly/CUREAIDS #weareALLclean” 3) Challenge 3 or more other people to participate! 4) (Optional) DONATE!! Please consider a small donation if you are able. Every penny counts! bit.ly/CUREAIDS 5) On World AIDS Day: Monday, December 1st, please change all your social media profile pix to your shower selfie photo and spread the word!!
A photo posted by johnjohndayz (@johnjohndayz) on Nov 11, 2014 at 11:34am PST
Dan Tracer
NEWS: Darren Wilson, Ellen's Gardner, 'Love Is Strange', Laser Watch
Darren Wilson talks to George Stephanopoulos about shooting and killing Michael Brown: “The reason I have a clean conscience is because I know I did my job right…I’m sorry that [Michael] lost his life. It wasn’t the intention of that day, but it’s what occurred that day. There’s nothing you can say that would make a parent feel better.”
Michael Brown’s father, Michael Brown Sr., calls Wilson’s remarks “disrespectful” and “crazy”: “For one, my son, he respected law enforcement. Two, who in their right mind would rush or charge at a police officer that has his gun drawn?”
A lesbian couple challenging Michigan’s same-sex marriage ban, a case that may reach the Supreme Court, just adopted their fourth child yesterday.
Taylor Swift performs “Blank Space” (a.k.a. “Lonely Starbucks Lovers”) on The Voice and makes one superfan’s day.
Meanwhile, Chris Pine croons like Sinatra for a fan on Ellen.
Speaking of Ellen, her hunky (former?) gardner Billy Reilich, smolders in a new photoshoot that puts his beefcake on display.
Bette Midler backs off of Ariana Grande.
Kevin Federline says that wasn’t him.
The first tiny teaser for Game of Thrones Season 5 has arrived and it’s all about Arya.
Former O-Town member Ashley Parker Angel strips down for OUT Magazine, talks playing Fiyero in Wicked on Broadway.
Jennifer Aniston pranks a BBC radio interviewer in a cringe-worthy video.
“Marlene Dietrich in a top hat” may be the best one on this list.
Vending machines at bathhouses will offer HIV testing.
Love Is Strange, starring John Lithgow and Alfred Molina as a gay couple faced with homelessness in New York, picked up four Independent Spirit Award nominations including Best Picture.
Supermodel Miranda Kerr’s gay brother is getting married.
Feeling villainous? Watch inspired by retro James Bond films has laser attached that can cut through plastic.
The Cambridges have a new family portrait.
Sean Mandell
www.towleroad.com/2014/11/news-darren-wilson-ellens-gardner-love-is-strange.html
Dear Straight, White, Male New Friend
Dear straight, white, male new friend,
When you tell me you have confidence in yourself because you are a straight, white male, I am not sure if you are being sarcastic or if this is something you actually believe.
I would caution you, though, to be careful where and how you use that term, for others might find it off-putting or be confused by it at best. I have never heard it from any other straight, white, male colleagues or friends, so this is new territory for me.
Many people associate straightness, whiteness, and maleness with the best of the world’s historical progress: explorers, conquerors, inventors, builders, wealth creators. For others the use of these descriptors to define the essence of one’s self-confidence represents the most serious of insecurities, insecurities that have bred some of the most egregious acts of human history that I won’t rehearse here. Suffice it to say, it has not always been the case that straightness, whiteness, and maleness connotes confidence. My straight, white, male executive coach believes it is a heavy weight to bear because, he says, in the end, even straight, white men know they have to die. As a human being, I get it.
I have had many, many straight, white, male colleagues and have straight, white, male friends. Most have talked of their insecurities and their confidences — insecurities and confidences born of how they were raised, their faith (or lack of it) in God, their natural disposition, a love (or not) of life — the list goes on. I have heard the same from transgender youth of color — confidence expressed and shown in spite of the fact they are not white or male, or even straight in some cases. And I have heard them talk of insecurities that don’t always have to do with being transgender youth of color.
As we continue this journey together, and as you continue to grow, you may want to think about what it means for others to hear you say that you have no lack of confidence because you are a straight, white male. It could suggest just the opposite.
We are all children of the same creative source, fellow travelers on this journey, often feeling our way in the dark, who celebrate confidence when it is born of moments of clarity, of acts of charity, of genuine compassion for our creator, our neighbors, and ourselves.
You are a smart, caring, compassionate soul. That gives me confidence enough.
Fred
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