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Our conversation with Emma Gray, author of “A Girl’s Guide to Joining the Resistance”
We sat down with Gray to chat how dating is different now in the age of Trump and #metoo
It goes without saying that the 2016 election stirred the pot — politically, socially, and mentally. The night Trump was elected, in fact, prompted Huffington Post senior reporter Emma Gray to embark on writing A Girl’s Guide to Joining the Resistance: A Feminist Handbook on Fighting for Good. Released last month, this handbook includes tips on how to get (and stay) politically active, background information on key issues, and interviews with activists and politicians such as Senator Elizabeth Warren, actress and activist Ashley Judd, actress and activist Marlo Thomas, and Women’s March Co-Chair Carmen Perez.
At OkCupid, we’re always improving our product to be focused on the female experience, and we do that by talking to lots of interesting, smart, creative women. So we were super excited to chat with Gray about her book, and how joining the resistance, or at the very least listening to a voice other than your own, can make for a better atmosphere — not just in politics, but in dating, too. We caught up with Gray after she’d just done a live version of her podcast Here to Make Friends (a Bachelor recap show) at SXSW.
OkCupid: You mention in your book that the 2016 election inspired you to write it. How did it prompt you to write the book, and were there any other factors in your decision?
I cover the intersection of gender and politics for HuffPost, so I covered the 2016 presidential election and election night — and I thought I’d be writing a story about our nation’s first woman President.
Instead I wrote a very different story. I ended up being outside the Javits center [in New York City] and interviewed a lot of very angry and grief-stricken people; and then I went on to cover the 2016 Women’s March and saw what happens when you take that anger and grief and turn it into action.
That inspired me to write that book, and I wanted to approach covering this renewed resistance from a journalistic perspective — which meant going out and chatting with women’s leaders about what it means to be involved in the resistance, and what it meant particularly for young women.
OkCupid: Did your plans for the book shift as you researched and interviewed?
There was a new chapter on the importance of storytelling, and that wasn’t something I had in the original outline: as I started interviewing women, the more storytelling came up, and the more relevant it felt. And this was all before #metoo — now we’re really seeing how important storytelling is in creating social change.
In that specific chapter on storytelling, you discussed how writing an article for HuffPost about women and anxiety opened the doors for dialogue. How can sharing our own stories of struggle help us find deeper connections?
Storytelling is a form of intimacy. If you’re trying to build true intimacy, it needs to involve personal storytelling; it’s how you get ot know someone, whether it’s romantic or platonic or professional. Any relationship that’s going to be authentic needs storytelling.
When it comes to hetereosexual dating, there’s an element of understanding that you need to build. For me personally, as a woman dating straight men in this moment, there are a lot of conversations that are prompted given the fact that we’re in this #metoo moment. I think storytelling is the best way to bridge the gap between those experiences, whether it’s between a white person and a person of color or someone who’s dating someone with a different gender identity. You need to stop and hear their stories and understand that your stories are not going to be the same as theirs.
OkCupid: The #metoo movement has certainly changed the social landscape, particularly in dating and relationships. What advice do you have for daters when it comes to dating in the age of #metoo?
It sounds simple, but view the people you’re trying to date as human beings. Rather than saying “I need to pick up this women at a bar,” just think, “I want to approach this person and see if we get along, and see if we’re into each other.”
Most men are socialized to believe that they need to be the aggressors or in control of relationships, and I think that harms women and harms men, because it puts pressure on them both. But if we widen our views of what it means to be a woman or man or any gender identity, it helps everyone.
OkCupid: Another touching story from the book was about how trans activist Sarah McBride fell in love with trans activist Andy Cray, and how they connected over their shared passion for LGBTQI rights. How can sharing our political beliefs and passions bring us closer?
It depends who you are and what place these causes hold in your personal life, but I do think being involved in a community of some sort — whether that’s your relationship or your friends — that’s invested in creating change can be fantastic.
Also, engagement in political and social issues can be fun! If you’re a couple, you can designate your partner as a buddy to remind you to call congress one to two times a week. You can gather a group of friends to canvas for a local candidate who you support. And I personally have found some of the best romantic connections in my life have of course been built on attraction and all of the things we picture when we think of love and romance and sex, yet they’ve involved an intellectual component that includes debates and talking about current issues and what’s in the news. To me, it’s important to have a partner who cares about the world around them, and a partner who wants to engage in conversations as an equal.
OkCupid: A lot of activists, scholars and politicians in your book defined what intersectionality means to them. How can we practice intersectionality in our relationships?
Intersectionality is primarily a lens for groups that are advocating on behalf of a group. I think the way that that would apply to dating is just in the very basic sense of working against our tendencies to universalize our own experiences and identities.
When you’re walking into a romantic or sexual experience with someone, they might have different experiences and interpret interactions differently. So stressing openness and conversation is key. Keeping openness and listening in mind rather than projecting your needs and world views onto that other person can be really beneficial.
OkCupid: What do you hope people will walk away with after reading?
I would hope that anyone who reads the book will walk away with a renewed energy, regardless of politics, and understand that their experiences matter, and that a healthy political system is one that all citizens engage with — and that sitting on the sidelines is not an option. The personal has always been political, and the political will always be personal.
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Our conversation with Emma Gray, author of “A Girl’s Guide to Joining the Resistance” was originally published in The OkCupid Blog on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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