At the end of every “Drag Race” episode, RuPaul asks the universe, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Nothing is sexier than someone with a healthy dose of modest confidence. That starts with accepting who, and what, you are, warts and all. Say your real age. Say what you want in a relationship. Give a little info about what you do for work or what you do with your life every day, and show everyone that you think you are interesting enough to deserve a little attention. Lying about your age or your income (or that critical part of pitch) may help you get laid once in a while, but once you admit the truth, the memory of that little lie will linger, like a red flag that there could be more to come. Yes, it’s hard. Many people exaggerate, so there has been a kind of “profile inflation.” But in the long run what will shine through is your integrity.

We are into the second decade of the 21st century, and every cell phone comes with a very good camera. There is no reason to post a profile photo that is grainy, blurry, or so small that your face cannot be seen. These suggest your photo is either old, or lifted from another profile. If you want to know what you really look like, have a close friend pick your photo for you. They see you for who you really are, and you can be certain that they don’t think you look like that mid-workout gym selfie you took 5 years ago. Show a little personality. Use a photo from a (recent) vacation (and then be ready to chat about it when someone asks, “Where is that photo from?”). Or post a photo posing with a dog. It shows friendliness, ability to care for other creatures, and hopefully how you have excellent technique when giving a butt scratch.

Speaking of butt scratches…

If you are looking for sex, say so. There is no shame in looking for sex. In fact, sex is good. But fret not, romantics, because lots of people are looking for true love without jumping right to the spank and tickle, so keep things simple and make it easy for prospective suitors to sort through the field for eligible applicants. There is nothing more confusing than a self proclaimed romantic leading with a butt shot. Yes, navigating the boundaries of love and lust are difficult. But mixed messages are not sexy. They are simply exhausting.

We all have standards, but do you really need to make prospective suitors run a gauntlet to get a simple date or even hook up? Give people some hope they have a chance. Long lists of the things you don’t like in a mate, even when legit, make you appear to be a person who is impossible to please. And, yes, the phrase “no fats, no femmes” is offensive and says a lot more about you than anyone else. Say what you like–not what you don’t like–and put positive energy out there. And saying something like “I’m single because I don’t believe in settling for less” just means “I would prefer to be alone than compromise on anything, so you probably shouldn’t waste your time trying to make me happy.”

Are you so desirable, so irresistible, that you are overwhelmed by how many people contact you and ask you to love them, and you need help narrowing the field of eligible suitors?  Please. Calm down. You do not live a life so burdened by your own sexiness that you have the right to ask entire ethnic, racial, body type, or gender-expressive groups of people to not contact you because you find them generally undesirable. Keep your bigotry to yourself. Your selfish motives are not important compared to the hate you create with your marginalization of other human beings. Of course everyone has favorites, and if you have a “type,” a preference for, say, beefy blond guys, or trans women, or Pacific Islanders who look great oiled up and shirtless, then say so and happy hunting. But also, everyone deserves a chance to feel that someone is dreaming of finding them, and they don’t need to be informed that they are undesirable. And you may think, for example, “I’m not into black guys,” but if Taye Diggs stepped out of “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” and walked into your bedroom, stripped down to his Speedo and licked his lips, you would take that moment to confront your racial preference and you would get over it in a hurry.