My boyfriend won’t stop hooking up on Grindr

Dear Jake,

I met a great guy on Grindr. It was supposed to be just a hookup but we ended up getting to know each other and now it’s been about four months. It feels like a relationship. We hold hands, we cook dinner together, and, even during social distancing, we are still going out walking in the neighborhood. But he still goes on Grindr a lot. He says he’s just going on to chat, but most guys aren’t on there just to “chat.”

A few weeks ago, he showed me a guy who wanted to have a three-way. I really wasn’t into it. An hour later, I noticed he was still on Grindr after he left my house, but his location wasn’t very far away and his profile picture was next to the guy he was talking about earlier. The next day he admitted that he hooked up with him. I was extremely upset and we came to an understanding that we would only play with others together.

Like I said, we’re not in a real relationship, even though we act like a couple. He doesn’t refer me as his boyfriend, but does say we are dating, and when I asked him if he was hooking up with anybody else, he said no. Yet he’s always on Grindr!

Fast forward again. He wanted to have another three-way and showed me some guy. After he left my house, I saw he was next to the guy on Grindr. I texted him immediately and asked what he was doing. He said it was just a coincidence and that nobody was next to him.

Am I wrong? How do I move past this? Or do I accept that we’re not in a relationship and I’m wanting too much when he’s clearly not looking for commitment? My heart and brain don’t see the match.

Sincerely,
Confused and Conflicted

Dear Confused and Conflicted,

Relationships can be tricky to navigate, but one thing that’s for sure is that both parties in a couple need to be on the same page when it comes to the rules of monogamy.

Even though you say it’s not a “real” relationship, the tenants of clear communication still stand. It’s great that after you found out that he hooked up with someone else, you realized that it bothered you and had a conversation about being exclusive. Now it’s up to both of you to stick to those rules, otherwise, they need to be renegotiated.

If you aren’t into having threesomes, you should probably let him know. And if he still wants to wade in the GrindR pool, he should be honest about that too. (Side note: Should anyone really be hooking up on Grindr during a pandemic?)

Also, the basis of a relationship is trust. He admitted in the past he hooked up with someone else, but that was before you talked and set the rules. Ask yourself if he’s ever given you a true reason not to trust him, and if not, move forward as if he is being truthful. If you’re pretty sure he’s being dishonest, you may need to have a conversation to ask him again how he feels about commitment, and possibly renegotiate the rules.

You can’t make your partner commit to anything he isn’t ready for. If ultimately, he’s not into the kind of relationship you want, then you have a choice. You can either decide you’re okay with something more light and non-committal, or you may want something more serious at this time.

If he’s not on the same page, it might be time to move on. You deserve to have what you want, and you won’t be able to simply ignore feelings of hurt or betrayal if you’re feeling them. Make sure you aren’t settling for less just because the pickings are limited right now. You don’t want to stay in a relationship and feel resentful.

Talking through things here seems imperative. Make a point to sit down, hash out your feelings authentically, and confirm that you are both on the same page. If he’s not the right guy for you, you’ll be making space for one that is.

You deserve it all,
Jake

Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.

Do you have a question for Jake? Email [email protected].

www.queerty.com/boyfriend-wont-stop-hooking-grindr-20200510?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+queerty2+%28Queerty%29

Tulsa couple terrorized by neighbor’s desecration of the Pride Flag

Christopher Jones and Terry Geasland, a gay couple living in Tulsa, Oklahoma, have gone public with stories of harassment by their neighbor, Jon Bailey. Bailey, who lives across the street, has put up signs with homophobic epitaphs and desecrated a Pride Flag in response to the couple.

Local station KJRH reports that Baily put up the signs to promote a “Christian” lifestyle.

“I believe that homosexuality is wrong,” Bailey told KJRH. “I’m not putting them [gay people] down, I’m just standing up to them and saying this is wrong. I’m trying to show them there is a better way.”

Needless to say, Jones and Geasland–one of three gay couples living on the block–have a different perspective on the situation.

“That’s hate,” Jones says. “We do not need this in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It’s like wow, in your face. It’s very ugly. It’s demeaning and it’s a violation of humility towards my family.”

Other neighbors expressed a similar sentiment. “I have lived in this neighborhood for 17 years,” neighbor Cindy Roberts said. “I have never seen anything this awful. It disgusts me. I’m upset!”

Jones and Geasland notified law enforcement of the situation. However, police say there’s nothing they can do to order Bailey to remove the signs, citing free speech laws.

“I know my rights,” Bailey told KJRH. “The gay and lesbian community are bullying people into being quiet and to being silent, and they are making people like me that are standing up against them feel like criminals.” He also took to Facebook to promote his cause and his appearance on television.

Related: PHOTOS: Tulsa’s Friendliest Gay Bar Also Has A Very Wild Side

“Calling on All prayer warriors,” he wrote. “I have an interview today at 3 pm with at least 1 news channel. The subject is homosexuality and why I’m against it and what I’ve done out of love for my homosexual neighbors. Please pray that the holy spirit fills me with the correct words to say. Thank u everyone!”

Bailey’s newfound fame has also invited a backlash. As the proprietor of a construction contracting service, he began to receive negative reviews on Facebook, with posters citing his homophobia in their remarks. Bailey also invited harsh criticism from Toby Jenkins, director of Tulsa’s LGBTQ community center.

“Talk like this is just a step away from violence and people need to understand that members of the LGBTQ community are susceptible to being attacked, assaulted, and in some cases killed, it stems from comments like these that come from people’s hearts,” Jenkins said.

www.queerty.com/tulsa-couple-terrorized-neighbors-desecration-pride-flag-20200510?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+queerty2+%28Queerty%29

Brazil’s Supreme Court Overturns All Restrictions on Gay Men Donating Blood, Ending Any Waiting Time

In a rare victory for its LGBTQ community, Brazil’s Supreme Court has overturned any and all restrictions on gay men donating blood.

Reuters reports: “After almost four years in court, seven of 11 Supreme Court justices voted on Friday in favor of overthrowing guidelines that barred men who had sex with other men from giving blood for 12 months, ending any waiting time. The Supreme Court said the ban was unconstitutional as it imposed restrictions on gay and bisexual men, backing Supreme Court Minister Edson Fachin who argued this offended the basic human dignity of gay and bisexual men.”

RELATED: Gay COVID-19 Survivor Andy Cohen: ‘My Blood Could Save a Life, But Instead It’s Over Here Boiling’ (WATCH)

In the U.S., the FDA recently relaxed its policy, but gay and bisexual men are still barred from donating blood — and plasma — unless they abstain from sex for three months. The previous deferral period was one year. Yet many blood banks are still rejecting blood from gay and bisexual men, even with the restrictions eased.

The post Brazil’s Supreme Court Overturns All Restrictions on Gay Men Donating Blood, Ending Any Waiting Time appeared first on Towleroad Gay News.

Brazil’s Supreme Court Overturns All Restrictions on Gay Men Donating Blood, Ending Any Waiting Time