Someone asked if I’d ever date someone who is disabled, and it stopped me in my tracks

“Would you ever date someone who is disabled?”

I was 15 minutes into a podcast interview when the question came up. I should have known. I was being interviewed about being gay and disabled after all, something I’m contractually obligated to talk about 587,000 times a year, it seems. I was a pro at this; I should have been armed and at the ready.

Nevertheless, the question hit me like a ton of bricks. Fortunately, I’d worked in PR long enough to know how to handle the question. 

“Of course, yes!” I answered without a beat, “I suppose the opportunity simply has never presented itself.” 

Which, technically, was true. All my boyfriends up to that point had been physically able-bodied. Hell, I had never talked to another disabled guy on Grindr, let alone seen another disabled fellow in a bar. So, of course I would date someone who is disabled… So why hadn’t I? 

Up until that interview, the question of dating someone like me never crossed my mind. I just always assumed I would date someone who wasn’t disabled. Any alternative scenario never seemed like it would ever become a reality. I was enough of a burden, I would tell myself. Why date someone else who was disabled? As a teenager, I grew up thinking nobody would ever want me. I didn’t see myself as desirable, as sexy, as someone worthy of dating, all because of how my legs moved. I would spend hours wishing I was different. I thought there was something wrong with me, and eventually, believed it… so much so that it became ingrained in me. It never dawned on me how and why this way of thinking was extremely problematic. 

Which seems odd looking back. In nearly every column I write, I tell people what not to say to people who are disabled, why you should not completely shut us out from your dating pool, and why you should f*ck us. And yet, here I was, a complete and utter hypocrite. How could I preach about dating disabled folks, when my own way of thinking completely contradicted that?

That podcast interview was in October 2017. It’s been two years since, and I still think about it often. I like to think I’ve evolved, and that my internalized ableism (a Google search defines that as “discrimination in favor of able-bodied people,” how exciting!) has magically been absolved, or that I have had a total come-to-Jesus moment. But the truth is, I haven’t. I still struggle, and have yet to find a spell powerful enough to rid me of my own ableism (anyone else feel like watching Harry Potter?). There are still moments where I am transported to my younger years, questioning how I was ever able to find someone who actually wanted to be with me. 

It would be easy to blame it all on my upbringing, on society. But the fact is, I am a product of my own society, so I’m also part of the problem. But I am trying. I think simply being aware of my own ableism has helped me, and I take comfort in knowing other disabled folks are struggling with the same thing. I’ve realized that overcoming ableism doesn’t happen overnight and unfortunately there is no right way to do it. It takes conscious effort (and thought) to fight. It’s something I work at on the daily. God knows, I would love this to be like an after school special, but I’ve realized I need help to move past it. Help by talking. Help by asking questions, both within myself and to others. Help to know why I think the things I’ve thought for so long. It’s a constant battle, but a crucial one.

And maybe that’s the point. Maybe we could all use some help in confronting and ultimately tearing down our own damaging thoughts and beliefs that have become instilled in us. All it takes is a single brick. Or if you’re like me, a metaphorical ton of them.

Josh Galassi is very gay and very disabled, if you haven’t noticed. Sometimes, he writes about both those things, and sometimes, he doesn’t. He lives in Seattle with his boyfriend and their dogs Eudora and Carmen Sandiego, who, it turns out, was on Craigslist the entire time (where they bought her). You can find him on Facebook and Twitter, or at a nearby coffee shop obsessing over cold brew.

www.queerty.com/someone-asked-id-ever-date-someone-disabled-stopped-tracks-20200104?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+queerty2+%28Queerty%29

Jake Gyllenhaal to Produce and Star in Film Adaptation of Broadway Hit ‘Fun Home’

Jake Gyllenhaal has secured the rights to produce and star in the film adaptation of Lisa Kron and Jenine Tesori’s Tony award-winning musical Fun Home, based on the graphic novel by Alison Bechdel.

Breaking:#JakeGyllenhaal production company developing film of ⁦@TheTonyAwards⁩ winning musical #FunHome by ⁦@KronLisa⁩ & ⁦@JeanineTesori⁩ based on ⁦@AlisonBechdel⁩ ‘s memoir.#SamGold to direct . Gyllenhaal to play Bruce Bechdel , Ms.Bechdel’s father . pic.twitter.com/zlbFOBQQY9

— Baz Bamigboye (@BazBam) January 2, 2020

Gyllenhaal will play the role of Bruce Bechdel, the father. Fun Home is the autobiographical journey of a family run by a tyrannical father, who also happens to be a funeral director and a closeted gay man. It’s also a celebration of sexual awakening, an emotional detective drama of sorts, and an at equal times jubilant and heart-rending production.

Fun Home won five Tony awards in 2015 including Best Musical, Best Book of a Musical, Best Original Score, Best Leading Actor (Michael Cerveris), and Best Direction of a Musical.

The post Jake Gyllenhaal to Produce and Star in Film Adaptation of Broadway Hit ‘Fun Home’ appeared first on Towleroad Gay News.

Jake Gyllenhaal to Produce and Star in Film Adaptation of Broadway Hit ‘Fun Home’

Can a sexuality quiz really answer the question “Am I gay?”

If you don’t feel comfortable discussing your sexuality with others, you may try an online sexuality quiz to help answer the question, “Am I gay?” But can a sexuality quiz really tell if you’re gay? What if you’re bisexual, asexual, confused, or just curious?

Of the several types of sexuality quizzes, none are great at determining a person’s sexuality. But while they can’t definitively answer the question you may be asking, they can shed light on different aspects of your sexuality. Let’s see how.

Am I gay?: The science behind “the sexuality quiz”

Before the sexuality quiz, there was the Kinsey Scale. Sex researcher Alfred Kinsey created the scale in the 1940s after interviewing 8,000 people about their sexual attraction and activities. Kinsey placed interviewees on a scale ranging from zero (exclusively heterosexual) to six (exclusively homosexual).

Related: Naughty Kinsey Scale Graphically Bares All

Kinsey believed a person’s psychosexual responses and/or overt experiences were the best “test” for determining someone’s sexuality. Like other animal behaviorists, he also believed one’s sexuality could change somewhat over a lifetime and was dependent on one’s social circumstances — an exclusively homosexual man, for instance, might exhibit bisexual behaviors in an anti-gay society.

In 1980, sex researcher Michael Storms developed The Erotic Response and Orientation Scale (EROS). EROS divides sexuality into four quadrants and tells people what percentage gay, straight, bisexual, asexual they are.

While EROS is more fluid than the Kinsey Scale, like many other types of sexuality quizzes, both require respondents to identify as either male or female, making them poorly equipped for handling non-binary and gender-neutral individuals. They’re also not great at determining whether people might be pansexual, polysexual, or other sexualities.

Related: Ten Sexual Orientations Besides Gay, Straight Or Bi To Round Out Your Sexicon

What questions can help me answer “Am I gay?”

The EROS and Kinsey Scale both ask questions similar to those you’d find in an online sexuality quiz. Here are a few typical questions:

– Do you find the opposite sex attractive?

– Do you find the same sex attractive?

– Which sex do you find more physically attractive?

– Which sex are you emotionally attracted to? Who do you develop feelings for and get crushes on?

– Which sex makes you sexually excited? Who do you fantasize about and feel desire for?

– Have you ever dated someone the same sex as you?

– Do you watch gay/lesbian adult videos?

A sexuality quiz cannot tell if you’re gay based purely on your appearance, feelings towards LGBTQ politics or the gay community, pop-culture, emotions or activities, and traits often associated with women. For example, a man with long hair and earrings who supports marriage equality, enjoys gay bars, loves female singers, expresses his emotions openly, and likes pink fashions could be exclusively heterosexual.

While a quiz can’t definitively determine your sexual orientation, patiently asking “Am I gay?” and exploring other questions can help you better understand your own sexual attractions over time — don’t worry too much! You’ll figure it out.

Am I gay? A sexuality quiz can have a dark side

One type of “gay test” uses a penile plethysmograph, a device that detects changes in penis girth, to determine whether men are aroused by gay or straight erotic images. But other types of sexuality quizzes are quite pseudoscientific or even dangerous.

One bad online sexuality quiz claims to determine your sexuality based on whether you notice women or men first in images — it can’t. Also, some anti-gay countries use forced anal exams to “prove” whether a man has had anal sex with another man. Such exams prove nothing and are just a form of state-sanctioned sexual assault meant to humiliate and strike fear in suspected queers.

www.queerty.com/can-sexuality-quiz-really-answer-question-gay-20200104?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+queerty2+%28Queerty%29

11 Minimalist Resolutions Every Gay Man Should Consider for 2020

After last year’s identity crisis of a New Year’s resolution list, 2020’s are gonna be easy, Mary. Personally, I’m just gonna try to make it through the year without getting deported by executive order.

Our challenge: Survive the catastrophes
with some self-care and pride intact.

Every generation before us has dealt with the end of the world, but the social media landscape that has devoured our daily life affects us in ways that are unprecedented. There are already eerie similarities to the apocalypse of our previous generation, when a plague left us reeling with survivor guilt and fear for decades, as the government and homophobes were happy to watch us drown.

For my generation, our challenge is going to be not just surviving political and environmental catastrophes, but doing so with some semblance of self-care and pride.

Nobody takes shame to an art form
like gay men

What I noticed most in 2019 was how gay men around me dealt so differently with the question of “what am I doing to help all of this?” For some folks, the magnitude of hopelessness and shame can leave us feeling stupid for trying to do small things, like decreasing single-use plastics. Or, we internalize it and lash out at others trying to do their part (I saw this most during our brief flirtation boycotting Equinox and SoulCycle).

The thing about shame is that it’s really just fear. Nobody takes shame to an art form like gay men and nobody makes dumber decisions than people who are afraid. So this year’s resolutions focus on small ways that we can self-care and ease a bit of that daily stress.

1. Read The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World by Alan Downs.

Required reading for most gay men I know. Written by a therapist after spending way too many hours talking to our crazy asses. Try to find it at a gay bookstore if your city has any left. You’ll be surprised your oldest anxieties are shared by pretty much every gay man you know.

2. Watch your meat intake.

We watch our diet for our looks and bottoming, why can’t we tie it into environmental stuff? Did you know that 4lbs of beef has the carbon footprint of a flight from NYC to London? So that’s why Greta’s been yelling at us on TV.

3. Get your news from PBS.

Facebook is where most people get news, & they’ve made it perfectly clear they don’t care if it’s accurate, or if the algorithms are purposefully fucking with your mood for you to buy shit. The world’s too big to worry about all of it all of the time. Stop giving cortisol-flooding clickbait your attention and let Judy Woodruff filter for you what happened today (if only for her outfits!).

4. Wean your freaky shit off social media.

A man I’ve never met randomly messaged me on my Facebook business account, and right there on the chat were graphic images of both of us I did not remember sharing. Apparently at 2am on a cold NYC night 10 years ago, I was drunk-sexting with some dude a thousand miles away (cuz, 2009). Knowing what we do now about the toxic mining of our data and privacy violations, I cringe to know that’s out there.

From Grindr’s new Privacy Policy

Messages. When you send a message using the Grindr Services (which could include photos, location, audio, or video) to other users of the Grindr Services, we may collect Personal Data that includes the content of the message, including photos, location, audio, or video.

—Quote from the brand new Grindr Privacy Policy you clicked to approve this week.

I’m not saying to quit using onlyfans, and Grindr (although they just told us that they own all our messages and pics), but to be aware that gay men have historically been exploited for intimidation in dark political times and who knows what these corporations have planned for our dirty pics. Now, if you’re an exhibitionist, or a cash slave, live your life queen.

5. Use social media for good causes.

One thing social media is good for is raising money, and as part of their atonement PR strategy, Facebook actually gives non-profits a really sweet deal for donations (at least for now). For your birthday this year, consider picking a cause or organization and using the fundraiser feature. I continue to fund an entire film series with this strategy (shameless plug, take a look at Fathers, my sci fi series that imagines AIDS never happened.)

6. Support LGBTQ immigration orgs.

There will be a time people will ask you what you did while children and queer people were dying in detention camps. There’s frankly not much we can do against an administration where cruelty is a lifestyle, but by donating to places like @immfamtogether, we will at least be able to say we knew it was happening and did our small part. My family was helped by a web of trans and gay immigrants when we first arrived, so I know what value our LGBTQ immigrants have for all of us.

7. Buy back someone’s Medical Debt.

Our insurance system is so broken you can actually pay folk’s medical debt for a few dollars. Gay men and the medical industry are deeply intertwined; these debt debt and pharma abuse go back to the AIDS crisis. RIP Medical Debt, which helps folks buy medical debt for a few bucks is a great org to support in 2020.

8. In Case of Emergency Plans.

Many of us live alone, or away from our immediate bio-family, have you discussed the emergency plan for your city with your chosen family? In case of an earthquake, floods, or fire, do you guys have a meet-up spot? Do you have your emergency supplies and food ready?

9. Talk to your chosen family about your end of life rituals.

As I get older and losing more friends, one thing that’s painfully clear is how disconnected we can be from our chosen family once they pass. Many of us have never met one another’s bio-family and can be shut out of funerals and memorial services. This year, take the time to talk to your close friends about the kind of music, plans and rituals you’d like to have to honor your passing. It may be a dark convo, but it can also teach you something new about one another.

10. Join a Credit Union.

Didn’t want this list on too heavy a note! Our largest banks back some of the worst human rights and environmental abuses using our hard earned cash. In 2020, ditch the big banks and join a credit union in your city. They offer the same protections and most will even refund your ATM fees, and you’ll know the money’s not being used to beat down some protester somewhere.

11. Watch more South Park.

If you haven’t checked in on South Park the last couple of years, it’s the discussion of cancel culture we need right now (again). Legalized Cocaine, PC Principal, Mexican Joker, all brilliant reminders that they are still a beacon of the culture, that the pendulum of political correctness swings every generation…Ya deserve an uncomfortable giggle right now queen.

The post 11 Minimalist Resolutions Every Gay Man Should Consider for 2020 appeared first on Towleroad Gay News.

11 Minimalist Resolutions Every Gay Man Should Consider for 2020