Growing up gay and Asian, everyone told me I wasn’t “good enough.” Turns out, everyone was wrong.

Growing up gay and Asian, everyone told me I wasn’t “good enough.” Turns out, everyone was wrong.

From a young age, I knew I was different.

During one of my classes in second grade, I was caught talking in Mandarin with one of my Chinese classmates. Instead of simply telling us to stop, something had hit a nerve with my teacher. She paused the entire class and proceeded to lecture us in front of our peers.

“This is America. We only speak English!”

That was the day I learned my culture was dangerous in the white suburbs of Los Angeles, where I grew up. It scared people and it hurt me as I learned to navigate life as a second-generation Asian-American.

A few years later, I quickly surpassed my mom’s English comprehension skills. I was not yet old enough to fly alone, but I was helping her translate important documents and understand household bills.

My family’s culture never seemed valuable within the context of my American life. This was reflected in the advertisements, television, and movies I was surrounded by. I rarely saw anyone who looked like me, let alone be queer, out, and proud. There was almost no room for my Asian identity in the American dream, and even less room for my gay one.

During that time–and still today–most queer advertisements featured muscular white men. The only Asians in queer ads were promoting Asian-themed parties and products. All I wanted was to fit in and feel accepted, but the color of my skin continued to remind me that I was inferior. I struggled to find my space, especially in the gay community.

As I ventured out into the gay dating space, I installed Grindr as part of my coming-of-age. It didn’t take long to feel out of place. Profiles read “No Asians” and I received racist messages every single day filled with Asian stereotypes about playing sexually submissive roles, having a small penis, or constantly being asked, “No, like really, where are you from?”

Despite all of this, I took this on as a challenge to find space within the only home I knew.

I continued to try my best to assimilate into American culture by adopting white mannerisms, having mostly white friends, and strictly dating white men. At the time, I wondered if having a white husband was my key to salvation and I would finally be seen for who I am. But no matter how much of a self-proclaimed “banana” I was (white on the inside, yellow on the outside), I still presented as a gay Asian man.

After three decades, I finally realized that this feeling of inequality and inadequacy could never be outrun. No matter how hard I tried to shed my heritage or fit within American society’s heteronormative structures, I could not erase the racism and prejudice that others were unwilling to let go of.

For many years, I blamed the pain I felt on others: my second-grade teacher, mass media, and American society, in general. But in focusing my energy on finger-pointing, I lost sight of myself. I could not see that I was incessantly judging myself based on the criteria of other people, people who I had no control over.

I know now that this feeling of being not “good enough” was never mine to own. In fact, it is for me to redefine.

When I try my best, it is good enough.
Whomever I date, even if they aren’t white, is good enough.
When I embrace my culture is good enough.
The fact that I exist is good enough.

By validating my existence with this self-loving language, I was able to fill the void of longing to be seen and understood. By truly loving my identities unconditionally, I discovered the self-worth that I had been chasing from others for so long. Being “good enough” starts from within.

And with forgiveness, I can compassionately let go of the hurt people have caused me with their racist remarks, especially my second-grade teacher. Releasing these people and their mindless comments broke the shackles of pain that had immobilized me in my journey to find liberation.

We are all unique and to quantify enough-ness from person to person is simply impossible. Our genes, our heritage, our skin, our education, our socioeconomic background, our sexual preferences, our gender identity, our hobbies, our likes, and our dislikes all create a one-of-a-kind human being. There will never be someone exactly like us, ever.

As of this moment, there are 7.8 billion people in this world–far too many to not embrace the one person we represent: ourselves. In fact, our identity is the strongest and most resilient anchor we have in this ever-changing world.

I am a gay Asian-American man and I am enough, just as I am.

Steven Wakabayashi is a second-generation Japanese-Taiwanese-American, creating content and spaces for queer Asians in New York City. He is the host of Yellow Glitter, a podcast on mindfulness for queer Asians, and shares a weekly newsletter of his projects on Mindful Moments. You can find him on InstagramTwitter, and Facebook.

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School Officials Sued for Failing to Protect 12-Year-Old Gay Student Who Took His Own Life After Homophobic Bullying

School Officials Sued for Failing to Protect 12-Year-Old Gay Student Who Took His Own Life After Homophobic Bullying

Tristan Peterson

A New Jersey school principal and several teachers, counselors and district anti-bullying officials are named in a new lawsuit filed by a New Jersey mother whose 12-year-old gay son, Tristan Peterson, committed suicide after she had made multiple complaints to school officials that he was being bullied.

NJ.com reports: “[Peterson’s mother], who declined to comment for this story, contacted school officials on multiple occasions to report the mistreatment of her son, according to the suit. Documents describe a specific incident that occurred days before Tristan’s death, when he was ‘specifically subject to threats from another student or students at the Woodruff School related to his sexual orientation.’ The incident was witnessed by a Woodruff staff member and reported to administrators, according to the suit.”

Peterson came out to his classmates in 2017, expecting acceptance but was “bullied, harassed and even threatened” according to his family. He took his own life in December of that year.

NBC News reports: “The suit accuses the school, the Upper Deerfield School District and staff of negligence, and of violating the state’s discrimination law, wrongful death and creating a hostile learning environment. Several district staff and the state of New Jersey are also named in the suit, which seeks damages and a jury trial.”

The school district, Upper Deerfield Township, the State of New Jersey, are also named as defendants in the lawsuit.

The post School Officials Sued for Failing to Protect 12-Year-Old Gay Student Who Took His Own Life After Homophobic Bullying appeared first on Towleroad Gay News.


School Officials Sued for Failing to Protect 12-Year-Old Gay Student Who Took His Own Life After Homophobic Bullying

We love our furry friends something terrible. Here’s our guide to humane adoption.

We love our furry friends something terrible. Here’s our guide to humane adoption.

Nulo dog with food

Let’s face it, almost everyone loves pets, but we love them something awful.

They are our “kids,” our chosen family, adorable creatures who love and never judge.

We want to give them the best life possible, which includes the best food we can afford. Our friends at NULO have mastered the art of feeding pets as well as we feed ourselves.

If the spirit of the season is moving you to take in a homeless animal, here are six ways to make sure you go about it as lovingly and humanely as possible:

1. Assess your lifestyle

Nulo dog photo @robsonhmorgan

Do you work from home or spend 12 hours a day at the office? Do you have a yard? Are you ready to walk a dog twice a day? Is your landlord pet-friendly? How about your neighbors? Are you in a financial place to afford vet bills? All of these factors go into deciding whether you’re ready for a pet, whether to choose a dog or cat, and which breed would be the best fit for you. Generally, a cat is going to be lower-maintenance, and an adult dog less work than a puppy. Not ready to make a commitment? Perhaps you want to try fostering first. Best Friends Animal Society has a handy guide on fostering as a first step.

2. The ethical question

Nulo cat

A lot has been written about adopting from “kill” vs. “no-kill” shelters. The SPCA acknowledges that “no-kill” is a goal, but that euthanasia is in fact needed in rare cases. (Of course, the real solution is for more owners to spay and neuter. If you don’t want to do that yourself, make sure the shelter takes care of it before you get the little one home.) If you’re set on a no-kill shelter, find one in the No Kill Network’s national directory.

3. Introductions all around

Nulo cowboy dog

Once you find a shelter, make sure all your family members (your pet parenting group) go choose an animal together, and spend time interacting with it. That includes partners, kids, and roomies. Your preferred shelter pet might be anxious or a little reactive during your visit — you would too if you were dropped off in a new place with hundreds of strangers — so take it slowly and be patient. And if you’re getting cold feet at the thought of adopting one little kitty or dog, check out this video from Danny and Ron, a couple who have taken in more than 11,000 dogs over the years.

You can even adopt from them!

4. Get your house ready

Nulo cat with books

Moving into a new home with a new family is stressful. Even adult rescues may need a debriefer on potty training, so be prepared for “accidents.” You’ll want to get your baby a warm bed to relax in, a few toys to keep them occupied, and be ready to address separation anxiety (hint: the holidays are the perfect time to adopt, since you can be home more often and gradually leave the pet alone for longer periods of time). Check out the Humane Society’s primer on dealing with separation anxiety here.

5. Feed them the best

Nulo dog with food

NULO’s got your new kid covered with dry food, wet food, raw packets, purees, and special treats like bone broth. Hey, you’re a healthy eater, right? Why not raise your pet to be as obsessed with nutrition as you are? The Austin-based company also supports super-cool fundraisers like Barkitecture, a doghouse design show and silent auction that benefits Austin-area shelters.

6. Give back

@connerwanders

Now that your new best friend is settled, consider helping nonprofits that work daily to get homeless animals into the hands of loving owners. All the organizations listed above have links to donate, as well as two of our personal faves: PAWS LA, which assists those living with HIV/AIDS in keeping and caring for their pets, and FIV Cat Rescue, which educates the public about feline immunodeficiency virus and advocates for the adoption of FIV-positive kitties.

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